Is Rachel Zegler…The Chupacabra!?!

For those unacquainted with the Chupacabra, a legend originating from Latin America, it is a creature periodically emerging in the dead of night to forage sustenance on the lifeforce of other beings.

Photo: mos.ru

In Spanish this moniker literally means “goat sucker,” as that was its most favored prey.

Over the years the Chupacabra has transitioned across varied cultural landscapes spreading from Puerto Rico to the United States with characteristics ranging from fanged teeth to a furry pelt.

Heretofore this monstrous pest was not known to have adopted human form…only your humble correspondent now posits for his readers the chilling notion we indeed have such a specimen….

Thus – Is Rachel Zegler a Chupacabra!?!

I know, I know, it seems incredible. Except the more we investigate the more obvious this unsettling realization becomes!

Fact #1 – The Chupacabra Feeds On Goodness

We have already covered the insufferable commentary by Disney actress Rachel Zegler on all things: historical, cultural, interpersonal, physical and more or less hysterical.

To recap: According to Zegler nothing before Current Era means anything. According to Zegler there is no higher ideal in life than Excell Spreadsheet busywork leading to 401K Bliss. According to Zegler you are a bigot, racist, homophobe or basically anyone else she doesn’t approve if you disagree.

Much like the Chupacabra, little Miss Zegler seeks out the innocent and pure upon which she can feed…in this instance her ego rather than her chompers.

Fact #2 – The Chupacabra Lives In Fear

The Chupacabra lives in fear, and so too the Zegler lives in terror…of masculinity. Recently Zegler denounced men as “trash”. Not one man. Not even some men. Nothing less than all men.

At least Zegler has the integrity of her misanthropy, for on National Boyfriend Day (yes, apparently there is such a thing), she posted four images of her adored.

Only problem? These were probably the most emasculating quartet possible. In one the poor sap has a goofy sidewise grin with ruffled hair. In another, he is evidently in a post-coital moment with his cat. Another the guy is in a femme-hoodie. Finally, the coup de grace is him…surrounded by three of her!

At this juncture one wants to do an intervention. Except, as a man, he is seemingly deserving of this nasty “I love you…but not enough to respect you” photo montage.

Fact #3 – The Chupacabra Exists As Parasite

In lore, the Chupacabra targets smaller quarry than itself, while the Zegler hunts bigger game…

Taylor Swift

Last week rather vulgar ribaldries were made regarding the romance between singer Taylor Swift and football player Travis Kelce. (I know…vulgar jokes in sports…well, I never! *clutches pearls*)

The gist was some shockjock believes the entire “love affair” is one big put-on to increase ratings during a concert tour by Swift and premiere week of the National Football League. Basically, the personality said he would not buy in unless he saw various evidence.

Enter Zegler. (And somewhere Swift was likely muttering, “Ohhhh hell no….”)

Rachel, of two failed movies, made it her mission to “defend” the largest star on the planet. Moreover, Rachel falsely claimed the jibe was directed solely at women despite the demonstrable fact it was an equal-opportunity insult. Not content to make a partial fool of herself, Rachel went for the extra point by claiming this was an example of “hate”.

To any uninitiated here is tea to spill: the comment was in reference to the rumor Swift is supposedly closeted and history in the NFL of allegedly closeted quarterbacks. Rude, yes. Misogynistic, no.

Jessica Alba

Later, almost certainly in desperate attempt by an overworked publicist to save the career of his client, actress Jessica Alba made a Tweet Zegler was one of the top 10 Latina actresses changing Hollywood.

Several issues here…

One, anybody remember the last project Alba was in? Yeah, Dark Angel doesn’t count.

Two, while both nominally Latina neither is particularly Latina. Neither SPEAKS the Spanish language more than passingly. When they did a DNA test on Alba it determined she is primarily WHITE with little Latina blood. The same is true of Zegler who is not even half Latina but merely one-fourth coming from her grandmother.

Three, it is the belief of this correspondent we should all get along as…you know, humans. Except if going down the road of racial grievance Alba and Zegler must explain why they are in Hollywood?

There is a thriving film industry in every nation from Mexico south. Do these gals mistakenly believe Latinas are being denied the secret of celluloid? If either is so taken with telling “our stories” by what reason are they not telling them where such people reside and would benefit most from viewing?

Or…maybe…it is not about “representation” as much as riches? Ergo, Hollywood over Ethnic Pride.

Fact #4 – The Chupacabra Cannot Be Exiled

Zegler has allegedly been dropped from three other Snow White films. Originally, the intent of Disney was to create a kind of “Live Action Universe” similar in scope to the Marvel Cinematic Universe where individual features were eventually fused together into larger stories. That is out.

Zegler was fired from Paddington 3, supposedly due to the SAG-AFTRA Actor Strike…which oddly did not affect any other SAG-AFTRA members in the EXACT SAME MOVIE!

Zegler was excised from a Pirates of the Caribbean Prequel which is forthcoming and purportedly replaced by Jenna Ortega, who is actually likeable and likewise demanded the character be de-Wokified before talks.

Zegler was reputedly banished from upcoming installments of the Fast & Furious franchise in which she was in discussions to play a younger cousin to Letty, of similar descent.

Despite complete exclusion from future Hollywood features this has done nothing to quell the entitlement of Zegler, reportedly battling with Disney over edits of Snow Woke as well as making absurd demands for pay increases.

Chupacabra Genus: ChupaZegler

If not a verified Chupacabra herself, at least Rachel Zegler is an offshoot of the species.

Henceforth this actress should be referenced in all articles, academic or popular, by the correct nomenclature – ChupaZegler (which also may be pronounced ChupaZeglah).

Admittedly, it is an extreme position but one supported by anthropological evidence.

The ChupaZeglah has all but destroyed a once-venerable Hollywood studio. The ChupaZeglah has spouted incessant sociological nonsense. The ChupaZeglah desperately gloms onto actual celebrities. The ChupaZeglah seems impervious to repeated box office disaster.

There is no other explanation for continued Los Angles infestation by this entity.

Happy Halloween!

Guy Somerset writes from somewhere in America