Trump Memo: ABCs and 123s of Not Getting BTFO in Midterms

Welp, Big Fellah, you messed this up but good…

Photo: flickr.com by Gage Skidmore, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Donald Trump

The Democrats were essentially destroyed.

The American People overwhelmingly supported you.

The Global North would have followed suit had you succeeded.

Alas, you basically screwed the pooch on EVERYTHING; as in, EV-RY-THANG.

Fortunately, Yours Truly can help…even when you do not deserve it.

Top Ten Everyday Action Items For Americans

1. Immigration — No Renting or Hiring. Ideally, those who do get a Firing Squad under Military Justice for harboring Invaders to the Nation. If you don't have the cajónes for that make it a 50 To Life Offence. Hold every Violator in Solitary indefinitely pending Trial, without Visitors as Threats To National Security.
2. No More One To One Raids — SEE ABOVE. Make it a Capital Offense to Rent or Hire Invaders. Rounding up Abuelitas was always ignorant but maybe served as theater to convey an impression. Now it offends even Supporters. So put those who Rent or Hire in jail in the worst prison in America; i. e. Angola.
3. Stop Attacking Ships — The whole "Drug Boat War” meme was always idiotic (much as your Cabinet), but many allowed it because…well, no one likes drug dealers except junkies. At the same time, you have now blown up 26 boats with 95 people and many of us are uncomfortable with the unlicensed deaths.
4. Quit Killing Prisoners — Even if you are totally correct that all nearly 100 Seamen you have murdered were Guilty of something, the intentional drowning of Survivors is abhorrent. You're a real bastard for doing such a thing. No joke, degenerate. Only a vile sadist kills shipwreck Survivors. Go to Hell. So quit it.
5. End The Ukraine — You said you'd "get it done” on your first day in office. Nobody with sense believed that, but we did believe you could manage it within a year. Now, I understand you want to garner kickbacks for the Kushner Clan but enough is enough; divide the damn thing at the River and be done.
6. Remove Your Tariffs — This plan is obviously intended for some other purpose. Most of us think it is to crash the Economy to usher in Universal Basic Income, which is an unmitigated disaster from any perspective. Whatever your motive, Tariffs do not work because Americans don't work in Sweat Shops.
7. Restore Obamacare Permanently — You lie about everything, but some of your lies are even more abysmal than we give you discredit. As in, you claim Obamacare "failed”. You know who likes it? Obamacare USERS, who approve by an overwhelming 70% to 80% of those Insured. Stop the distortions.
8. No More H-1Bs — No more H-1B Visas at all. Those already here? Going home immediately. Born here? Still not Americans. They're all out, by whatever means necessary. Around 80% of H-1B Invaders are Indians with Fake Degrees and thus not Americans, no matter how long or by what method snuck in.
9. Learn To Smile — For some reason, all you insufferable Boomers have that same Smug Sh*t-Eating Grin that makes people want to yell you senseless. Let's be clear. You were not clever, only very fortunate. You were born at exactly the right time to Bankrupt posterity and got rich doing so. Frown.
10. Insulin — Make it free. I already recommended this the last time you fouled everything up. You didn't listen. Then you got impeached. Two times. You gonna go for a Threepeat, Anti-MENSA? Insulin should have been out of Patent over a hundred years ago. Only corruption by Big Pharma keeps prices intact.

Don't Argue — There Is No More Time

There is still a very — exceedingly brief — infinitesimally small opportunity to save your legacy.

Otherwise? You're going to prison, Donnie. Your enemies are waiting and your friends no longer care.

You're likely to be Michael Jackson on the front page of the New York Post…and many will laugh.

Because you have essentially betrayed everyone who held their nose and tolerated your candidacy.

Likewise, this is not a policy buffet; you need to bring home the bacon on every item listed above.

I've already decided to vote Straight Ticket Democratic next election, the first time a Straight Ticket ever for me. Many of your former Supporters probably won't bother showing at the polls come Election Day.

They'll each be too busy working their third job on food delivery to afford rent, shuttering their small businesses, and trying to figure out which of the kids get health care.

All you had to do was the bare minimum to be a Great Leader — and didn't even do that much.

Now? You have to do everything…in about three months…

Thank You For Your Attention To This Matter.

Guy Somerset writes from somewhere in America