American celebrity migrants who never leave

By Guy Somerset

Although most of the recent news involving migrants originates from Europe, there is a distinctive species of refugee already in the United States which frequently threatens to depart but never actually goes anywhere.

In every American election cycle there is a veritable horde of loudmouths who proudly boast if certain candidates prevail they will leave the land forever yet who never seem to get around to packing their bags. While it was hoped over the last thirty or so years the Celebrity Class might have learned its lesson, recent comments concerning Donald Trump prove that in Hollywood some things never change...or mature.

Of the ill-informed speaking their minds on political matters the modern era was kicked off all the way back during the contest of 1992 when chanteuse Barbra Streisand screeched if Clinton lost to George H.W. Bush she was going to deprive us of her charming nature. Instead, she made more dreadful films.

Nearly a decade later Hollywood Director Robert Altman renewed the insufferability by insisting, "If George (W.) Bush is elected president, I'm leaving for France." He did leave for London the year immediately afterward, but it was only a ruse as Altman was shooting a movie there at the time. His act of noble detriment was rather like giving a charitable donation to an organization run by your spouse.

A few notable musicians chimed in that year, one being Elton John who "did not want this country to have to live under George W. Bush." Anyone aghast by the egoism of the "tiny dancer" should remember only months ago he was thoroughly convinced Russian President Vladimir Putin would take time out of saving the Middle East, thwarting further Asylum Invasions and managing the economy of the largest nation on earth to chat the singer up on homosexual issues. (Unsurprisingly to anyone but Elton, the telephone call was a prank.)

Eddie Vedder (of the rock ensemble Pearl Jam) claimed, "With three Supreme Court positions opening in the next administration, I'm frightened to think of a Republican in office, especially one raised by a father who was in the CIA. I'm moving to a different country if little Damien II gets elected." Ah yes, by far the most persuasive way to make an intelligent case regarding politics - invoke a messianic complex. 

Perhaps the greatest tantrum was by Alec Baldwin, voice of the common man and staid spokesman for parental rights, who supposedly claimed if George Bush won the presidency he would depart forthwith. Once Bush was elected Alec's one-way (no doubt Lux Class) airfare went unclaimed. Moreover, should ¡Jeb! (Spanish Pronunciation) extend the Bush Regency poor Alec won't have to concern himself with exiting America - there won't be a country left to leave once Señor "Love Act" is finished with it.

Four more years and countless more fools. During the 2008 election singers were apparently center stage chanting the extent of their inanity. Seal said he would flee America if McCain was elected; though regarding Seal, we should give the poor blighter a break. His last hit album was during the last century and any man might want an excuse to leave the country after watching Heidi Klum leave his marital bed. Akon, M.I.A and Michel Stipe (of R.E.M.) also claimed the same about an America under McCain; and though none left that doesn't matter much since no one has thought about any of these performers in the several years since and most of us wouldn't know whether they were here or not.

In the same election Tina Fey said she would "leave earth" if Sarah Palin took office. As with so many things Tina says one wishes Tina Fey were as quick or clever as Tina Fey seems to think she is. Aside from that, while neophyte idiocies can be amusing this particular stupid statement added the spice of blatant ingratitude given the comedienne's career was entirely built on mocking the former Governor of Alaska.

Lately we have Jennifer Lawrence, a part-time actress and full-time proponent of "keeping it quirky," who assures us she will evacuate not only the nation but life itself should Donald Trump have the temerity to enforce the Constitution. (For any wondering, Lawrence graduated the Harvard School of Business and went on to become a Rhodes Scholar with a specialty in Foreign Affairs....I joke, she was a middle-school graduate and according to her never attended high school or university.)

Giving an interview this demur blossom of loveliness expounded upon the political scene and during the same press junket stuffed ten toasted marshmallows into her oversized mouth. (Sadly, on this point I do not joke.) Lawrence claimed election of a populist leader with practical financial experience "will be the end of the world." As far as movie stars, once we had Hedy Lamarr; now we have a girl who urinates in sinks and always appears to have a thick sheen of perspiration coating her husky frame.

Although technically a businessman, quasi-entertainment mogul Barry Diller likewise chortled he would leave the United States if Donald Trump won. Considering all the laughable antics of the privileged classes, this had to be included for the simple fact Barry Diller is a multi-billionaire. Given his vast wealth the man likely spends more time in Saint-Tropez and Kuala Lumpur than he does on American soil each year. Once it is in someone's power to be anywhere at any time without restriction, resignations to deprive us of their company lose a certain something in the way of sacrifice.

Of those many people who ever claimed they would decamp the United States given the outcome of specific elections the only one who ever made good on their word was not an entertainer but politician Pierre Salinger. After repeatedly stating he would relocate to France if George W. Bush seized the Oval Office, Salinger and his wife did indeed move across the pond and opened a Bed & Breakfast in Le Thor.

For those unfamiliar with this man he was Press Secretary during both the Kennedy and Johnson administrations, himself served as a U.S. Senator and later became campaign manager for Robert F. Kennedy. In private life he was correspondent for ABC News, worked in the sports division and eventually held the position of Paris Bureau Chief.

Oh yes, he was also among the foremost proponents of the theory TWA 800 was brought down by a cause other than accident. Despite the fact explosives residue traces were later found on wreckage as well as numerous other glaring inconsistencies with the official narrative, the public overlooked Salinger's lengthy record of experience in the highest levels of government and in media. His claims were ridiculed.

Obviously this is the last sort of person America needs on its shores; at least in comparison to modern minstrels and undereducated actresses.

Guy Somerset