Tim Walz — Chinese Liberator, War Hero, Renegade Outlaw

Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz has led a charmed life.

Photo: Flickr by Office of Governor Tim Walz & Lt. Governor Peggy Flanagan, PDM

This He-Man has been in more scrapes than a cheese grater and come out for the better.

And while I might regale you with innumerable tales of his derring-do, we must stick to the highlight reel of that figure who no doubt would have been Head Coach of the Green Bay Packers had he not nobly sacrificed those ambitions to care for we urchins of a petrifying nation who needed him most.

(At least according to Press Releases.)

Hmmm, maybe we should review?

Tim Walz — Freedom Fighter for the Chinese

What Timmy Claims: According to various accounts, Tim repeatedly said — both as a young man and an adult one — that he was either in Tiananmen Square of Beijing, China during the Student Democracy Movement or he arrived on scene a few days afterward to still smell smoke in the air.

What Facts Demonstrate: ACKSHULLY, Little Timmy was back home in the Midwest…of America…which is not in China…during those demonstrations. Even by the most generous account he got to China several weeks later and even then was not anywhere near Beijing itself.

What Witnesses Say: Yeah, no one in China corroborates his nonsense. Several folks, including the hometown NEWSPAPER AT THE TIME, say he was here in the good "ol U, S. of A.

What Somerset Believes: On this one, I'm inclined to give Walz the benefit of experience. Or rather, my experience and his naivete.

I suspect this was an instance of Tim, as educator, wanting to energize his students and engaging in a little self-aggrandizement to make himself seem important. Had he copped to that mistake initially he would have gotten a pass from a lot of people.

"Hey, I was trying to teach my class the importance of the events and I eventually conflated being in proximity to them with actually being there at the time. Even with the best of intentions it was wrong and I'm embarrassed. Hopefully those pupils will forgive me and let it be a caution to their own lives. Good motives do not always yield positive outcomes.”

That would have been mature. Instead, Tim was caught in easily disprovable lies. Any refusal to simply acknowledge objective reality made him look not as in error but merely as a coward.

Tim Walz — The Toughest Damn Sum'bitch in This Man's Military

What Timmy Claims: This Tall Tale of Timmy has a lengthy history. He implied or even stated on several occasions he was in Iraq during the war. He verifiably claimed he held a weapon in war. Then is the undeniable fact that he held a sign during one or more rallies which said he was there.

What Facts Demonstrate: ACKSHULLY, he wasn't there. He was in Italy. Serving essentially as a quartermaster and base security guard. That is, basically a warehouse clerk. Important, but unsurprisingly no films starring John Wayne have this as a premise.

What Witnesses Say: Opinions on Tall Tale Tim diverge, with some of his men liking him and some of his men loathing him, but none of his men say he was In Theater (of combat) during the war.

What Somerset Believes: Here I am less inclined to forgiveness while at the same time not as outraged as many others. After all, everyone wants to seem bigger than they are in this world.

Moreover, friends and family can sometimes do the heavy-lifting on such lies with the subject remaining largely silent. Perhaps his folks considered him the proverbial "hero” and built him up to acquaintances. Then Tim didn't want to shatter the illusion and it got way beyond his intention.

Likewise, there are social factors at play. Have you ever seen a Hollywood film about a military file clerk? Instead, it's always a platoon out in the bush. Then a firefight. Miraculous survivals. As soon as someone says, "I was in the war”…things can spiral precipitously with embarrassing assumptions.

In addition is my own personal view that many — both Right and Left, Republican and Democrat — politicians misuse their degree of service. Let's be clear, J. D. Vance worked for the military newspaper Stars & Stripes "in the war” and Pete Buttigieg worked as a Staff Driver "in the war”. They were In Theater, but your average commercial fisherman has a much higher probability of demise.

Only, with Tim, it comes back to his statements. He himself claimed he "held a weapon in war” which is not ambiguous in any way. That's a lie. When he returned he also held signs at protests which claimed he was in the Iraq Theater which again is not questionable. He was not there. It's another lie.

Those things are serious and we should take them seriously. It's maybe not quite enough for disqualification from higher office but it is definitely enough for critiquing a deeply flawed character.

Tim Walz — He Fought "The Law” and This Time Timmy Won

What Timmy Claims: Little Timothy avers he was arrested for drunk driving yet contrary to his claims at the time — i. e. PLEADING GUILTY — he now says he was proverbially railroaded by a corrupt policeman who tricked him using unfair methods to ascertain his level of impairment using a vehicle.

What Facts Demonstrate: ACKSHULLY, the arresting office as well as court records indicate this was a clean case. Tim was guilty. Nothing was improperly done.

What Witnesses Say: The officer is today disappointed by the change in accountability of the accused. The judge at the time admonished Tim but praised his ability to accept the consequences of his actions.

What Somerset Believes: Here I am not inclined to forgive in any way whatsoever. There is no conditional version of these events. Tim Walz was drunk driving. Contrary to the lies Tim tells, the officer behaved in a professional manner. This author went back and read the official reports. While I am in no doubt sometimes Law Enforcement behaves inappropriately, this was no such case.

It was by The Book.

When the officer encountered Tim the legal representative gave him more than one field sobriety test. There was no "vision exam” administered from "far away”. That is another lie Tim tells.

At sentencing Tim admitted everything and there was really no defense. It was a clear-cut arrest.

To his credit, Tim accepted his error and offered his resignation to his employer. That was the correct decision, but honestly, much more expected in those days than in these permissive times. So he doesn't really get any credit for doing what was average of the era.

Back on the positive side, Tim did apparently use his experience to teach students about the perils of making poor choices. That is admirable and we should give him accolades. It is not easy to admit such things publicly and to further use the shame for a beneficial outcome is of worth.

Except…Tim destroyed the whole thing when he began doing what he always does — tell lies.

Impugning the integrity of an officer without any evidence, and in fact a plethora of contradicting evidence showing your own guilt, is disgraceful.

Trying to shift the blame away from your personal decision to drink and drive is pathetic.

Concocting asinine stories about "way off” field vision tests is obviously ridiculous.

Final Verdict — Lying Timmy Goes to Time Out

So here we have to deem Tim Walz not worthy of office.

Not because he fibbed about some Oriental Adventure-Time Tales.

Not because he exaggerated about being one of the Biggest, Baddest, Bullies in Iraq.

Not even because he completely, flat-out, unmistakably was guilty of a crime he now denies.

But because Tim Walz is not a man.

Tim Walz is less than a man because he takes no responsibility for his actions or his failures.

Tim Walz is a woeful excuse for masculinity because every instance, and I mean EVERY instance, he has ever had to face the consequences of his behavior he defaults to blaming others and telling lies.

Tim Walz is a thing which cannot be credited. Tim Walz has no integrity. Tim Walz lacks morality.

But hey…I could be wrong…

Reflections in a Golden Eye

Finally, this author must confess that looking back on the alleged Trials of Tim makes one feel inadequate in the extreme.

No doubt at this very moment, when not appearing to premiere his latest ballet routine to sold-out political rallies, Tim is out back of his domicile feverishly tinkering in a shed to perfect a Teleportation Device. (Look out, Elon! Little Timmy's coming for your empire of innovation!)

Alas, we can not all be the wayfaring wanderers such as Traveling Tim.

Probably even Kerouac himself would be hard-pressed to have as many perilous adventures in this life. (Incidentally, did you know that allegedly it was Timothy who suggested to a depressed Jack over a beer, "Hey Moondoggie, why not just hit the road?”)

Know the Worth of your Vote

The main thing is that, whatever else, our American Voter should always recall what is important.

Not that all objective evidence shows Tim Walz was hanging out in the Midwest during Tiananmen.

Not that all available documentation shows Tim Walz was a warehouse clerk during the Iraq War.

Not that all court records show Tim Walz was a drunk driver imperiling others during his adult years.

None of that matters, Sportsfans.

The only thing we can really ascertain for really reals in this existence is that without Tim Walz to guide us the country is in dire peril of its very existence.

To which I say…

Vote the Chinese Liberator!

Vote the Bloody Bastard of Baghdad!

Vote the Man Who Lady Justice Could Not Break!

Tim Walz for Vice-President…if not for Czar…if not for Moghul…if not for King!

(After all, that's the way Tim will tell it no matter what we do.)

Guy Somerset writes from somewhere in America

Details

Timothy James Walz (born April 6, 1964) is an American politician, former educator, and retired United States Army non-commissioned officer who has served since 2019 as the 41st governor of Minnesota. He was a member of the U.S. House of Representatives from 2007 to 2019, and the ranking member of the House Veterans Affairs Committee from 2017 to 2019. Walz is the Democratic nominee for vice president in the 2024 U.S. presidential election.