Ukraine Needs Space Lasers!

Having heard noble King Zelensky finally received tanks from America…and Great Britain…and France…and Germany…and (eventually) Timbuktu…I believed this would be the end of his inveigling.

"Nay!” replied our readers at Pravda.

Yet I demurred. Surely, certainly, undoubtedly, eventually the Kiev Cabal would reach a depth of pretentious pleading that would cause some shame.

"Nay!” cried the Pravda faithful.

Still I resisted. Seriously, candidly, honestly, ultimately the sheer Gypsy-ism must find its conclusion.

"Nay!” shook the heads of the Pravda audience.

Alas, a Correspondent ought always listen to his acolytes.

Once More Unto the…Breech…Dear Comrades!

Thus to make amends for my habitual Americanism of not only hoping for, but actually expecting, the best…your Faithful Servant has again traveled to darkest Ukraine where even when the power works there looms a foreboding ill which could make Vlad the Impaler shudder.

When will the whining end?

Where does all the belligerency culminate?

What is the reality of the fever-dream which envelopes the domain of Corrupt Kiev?

Inquiring minds want to know! For you, dear reader, another Confidential Interview was arranged with Ukrainian Minister of the Weaponization of Everything to discourse on this essential matter.

Location: Underground Bunker in Central Ukraine

The Appeals

Somerset: Thank you for meeting with me today. Can you identify yourself for our patrons at Pravda…Say! Is that you, Dandruffov!?!

Dandruffov: The same, now acting Minister for the Weaponization of Everything here in Ukraine.

Somerset: What happened to the kiddies you were Ministering last time?

Dandruffov: Russia kidnapped them all.

Somerset: Oh brother…okay, let's not get into that again. Instead, we'll start slowly. Since everybody in Ukraine is changing the way they introduce themselves these days — looking at you, Chicken Keeeeev — tell me how folks around here are saying your appellation this hour?

Dandruffov: Dandruff — Off. That is the way.

Somerset: *guffaws* Most decent Americans have exactly the same feeling about most Ukrainians these days….Alright, inform me on the status of the plate-passing this week…what are you guys after now?

The Timeline

Dandruffov: As you know, when the crisis began we needed helmets —

Somerset: Matter of fact, I believe you started out grabbing for cash?

Dandruffov: Then we needed rocket launchers. Then we needed mobile units. Then we needed HIMARS. Then we needed Patriot Systems. Then we needed Troop Carriers. Then we needed light tanks. Then we needed newer tanks. Then we needed jet fuel tanks.

Somerset: Most of us back home needed a break…

Dandruffov: What's this! Ukrainians are dying for you!

Somerset: Who asked you to? Not anybody in the good "ol U. S. of A.

Dandruffov: The Russians will invade you next! They want to recreate the USSR! Putin wants to be Czar!

Somerset: Wow…We're on that already? Okay…there are about three things wrong with each of those sentences but since this is a print publication I'll only press the most blatant…obfuscations…

Dandruffov: Go on…

Somerset: One, Russians don't have much interest invading America. Two, if they did they could send any slender college girl from Saint Petersburg because we wouldn't fire a shot. Three, the USSR never got farther than Germany.

Dandruffov: This demonstrates your ignorance. It is well-known there are secret Russian agents everywhere in America.

Somerset: As far as I'm aware there were only two "secret agents” in the past ten years…both were redheads…neither got much more than a sight-seeing trip…and either one of them could have seduced Beau Biden with ease if they were intent on espionage…so I'm pretty sure the nuclear codes are safe…

The Real Issue

Dandruffov: You are Russian, therefore you always lie.

Somerset: Yeah, but as we used to say in America, "No Russian ever called me -" …hmmm, on second thought, I better not say what we used to say…but the general theme applies. No Russian ever did anything to most Americans. Meanwhile you and the Zelensky Gang have your mitts in our pockets.

Dandruffov: The impertinence! We must maintain the Rules-Based Order!

Somerset: *sigh* Okay…what are The Rules?

Dandruffov: How do you mean?

Somerset: What I mean is, every five minutes some Ukulele on the news is telling we have to send our kids college tuition off to Kiev — excuse me, Keeeeev — to uphold this allegedly sacred "Rules-Based Order”…so what are "The Rules”? If our country has to go broke to pay for your liberation we deserve to know the reason!

The Reason

Dandruffov: What do you mean?

Somerset: I mean…gasoline is back up to $4 a gallon — because of you Ukrainians. Inflation is around 10% — because of you Ukrainians. Our Treasury is being spent, our people are freezing and a carton of eggs is $20 — because of you Ukrainians. Okay, maybe you're all worth it….So tell me why?…

What are these inviolable "Rules” which mean everyone in America, Germany, France, England, Italy and basically everywhere else has to go broke?

Dandruffov: They're secret.

Somerset: What!?!

Dandruffov: We will tell you after the conflict.

Somerset: That is almost more insulting than your constant begging — telling us to bankrupt our whole society for you in a cause so precious the typical American isn't even allowed to know its rationale.

What Happens Next

Dandruffov: Listen, my friend, we love Americans here in Ukraine! You should trust us.

Somerset: You know, everyone who has ever cheated me during my entire life began his sentences by calling me "his friend”.

Dandruffov: Nooooo, we are good friends. We have many things in common!

Somerset: The only thing we have in common is my dollar bills are now your dollar bills.

The Truth Discovered at Last

Dandruffov: You are upset. But the main thing I want to tell your audience — Ukraine needs Space Lasers.

Somerset: Are you kidding me?

Dandruffov: No. This is the only way to break the stalemate with the Russian oppressors — Space Lasers.

Somerset: …I'm pretty sure those don't even exist…and it would cost Trillions…or more…

Dandruffov: Americans are rich!

Somerset: Yeah, we're all millionaires….just like in the movies…

Dandruffov: Here is our plan…we will fight as rebels in the Donbass…then, with American assistance…we will use your Space Laser technology in the floating ball over the region to shoot down destruction from above…it will make our victory glorious!

Somerset:…Dandruffov…do you know you just described the third Star Wars film to me?

Dandruffov: This interview is concluded!

The Case of the Missing Iphone

Somerset: Well, thank you for your time. I'm pretty sure Pravda readers will be interested — or at least amused — by everything you had to say today. Now if I could have you sign off on my pass for the guards in order to leave this little piece of militarized paradise you have here?

Dandruffov: Sure, sure, you look for documents…Say, dear friend, is that the new Iphone 14 Pro Max?

Somerset: *looking through papers*…yeah…

Dandruffov: You mind if I check my text messages while I wait?

Somerset: *continues searching for oddly misplaced pass*…no problem…

Dandruffov: Oh, thank you, my good friend. You Americans! Always so generous!

Somerset: *finds card for stamp*…Okay, Dandruffov, here it is…can you please — Dandruffov? Hey Dandruffov!?! Where'd you go?…And where's my new phone!

EDITORS NOTE: It must be reiterated this interview may not have actually occurred despite the verifiable fact Ukraine has escalated demands for money and weapons every month for a year…at the same time, video was forwarded of a suspicious individual matching the description of Dandruffov as he crossed the Swiss border with a large suitcase filled with crumpled American $100 bills…and a brand new Iphone.

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Author`s name Guy Somerset
Editor Dmitry Sudakov