Stolen Ukrainian Children! – The Pied Piper of Putin

Old legal case:

Man comes before a Judge for Thievery. He is accused of stealing dog food. His defense is starvation. 

The Judge considers a moment then inquires, "If you were hungry, why not steal human food?”

Our suspect replies, "Uhhh…the dog food just seemed more…”

"Pathetic?” answers the Judge who recognizes this ploy.

The accused man is convicted.

Atrocity Stories — The Dog of All Bark and No Bite

So it is with Atrocity Tales which ever crop up in times of conflict — they always sound horrific at first…until you pause to consider them.

At which point? They make no sense.

Whether it was Germans in Belgium in 1914 bayonetting babies for literally no reason or Iraqis in Kuwait in 1990 tossing infants from incubators again for literally no reason, Atrocity Tales never are coherent because their purpose is only to make the listener irrationally emotional — and eager to fight someone.

Such is the circumstance with the "thousands” of Ukrainian children allegedly kidnapped by Russia in recent days.

This is a bizarre story which has been making the rounds for months and only growing in scope.

So what is the truth? Fortunately your intrepid Correspondent is on the case! Below is an exclusive confidential interview with Ukrainian Minister for the Welfare of Children on this topic of vital concern.

Location: Underground Bunker in Central Ukraine

The Allegations

Somerset: Thank you for meeting with me today. Can you identify yourself for our readers at Pravda?

Dandruffov: My name is Evgeny Dandruffov. I am the Minister for the Welfare of Children in Ukraine.

Somerset: I see. There are conflicting accusations in other media. Can you state your claim for us?

Dandruffov: Russia is waging a war of aggression with the intention to kidnap our kids.

Somerset: That is a rather breathtaking thing to say! Do you have any proof of these allegations?

The Timeline

Dandruffov: But of course! Here is the timeline…By March 2022 you kidnapped 2,000 children…By July 2022 you kidnapped 200,000 children…By August 2022 you kidnapped 1,000 children…By October 2022 you kidnapped 8.000 children…By November 2022 you kidnapped 11,000 children…By December 2022 you kidnapped 13,000 children…

Somerset: Now hold on a second there, Dandruffov…I'm going to need a little clarification here…who exactly is counting these kids?

Dandruffov: These are amounts from speeches of our Glorious Leader Zelensky.

Somerset: Okay…but your figures are pretty scattered…that is, merely two thousand pilfered tots in March but two hundred thousand only three months later?

The Evil Russians

Dandruffov: You Russians were very busy.

Somerset: But that's my point…weren't Russians a little occupied doing other things during that time?

Dandruffov: Everyone knows the entire purpose of this conflict is to mask Russian kidnapping operations.

Somerset: I'm pretty sure no one thinks that, as a matter of fact.

Dandruffov: It is true. Everything I say is true. Everything Zelensky says is true. We are Ukrainians.

Somerset: Uh-huh…be that as it may, how do you explain the reduction in supposed "abductions” from July to August?

The Contradictions

Dandruffov: What do you mean?

Somerset: What I mean is — it makes no sense! There were 200,000 kidnapped children in July but one month later it was back down to only 1,000? What did the Russian army do? Return 190,000 kids?

Dandruffov: Maybe.

Somerset: Or what about the fact by your own nonsensical statements there were 2,000 kidnapped in March and then — if we ignore your fantastical July sums — nothing until August when it was — again, bizarrely, back down to 1,000 — then by October increased once more to 7,000 abductions?

Dandruffov: Your point?

Somerset: My point is…One, were Russians kidnapping then returning kids during most of the summer? In the middle of fierce battles? Two, even if we concede this idiocy, what explains the pause in kidnappings from March to October? Do Russians only take kids for no reason in winter months? Three, even if we conclude all of these confusing and contradictory things are accurate…how on earth would the Russian army feed hundreds of thousands of children in the middle of raging conflicts? Where would they be housed? In what way would they be clothed? There are a million logistical issues making it all impossible!

Those Devious Slavs

Dandruffov: You Russians are very devious in nature.

Somerset: Yes, yes, all Russians are pure evil…but please explain the practical realities of your claims.

Dandruffov: It is true because I say it is true. I am Ukrainian!

Somerset: That certainly is the way things are reported back home, but our readers need a few more facts. Can you at the very least inform me about what Russia might be doing with hundreds of thousands of Ukrainian children?

The Truth Discovered at Last

Dandruffov: You are using them to mine.

Somerset: Like…land mines?

Dandruffov: No. To mine in tunnels underneath the earth to locate a rare gem. It gives you power.

Somerset: Dandruffov…Are you aware you are describing to me the plot of the second Indiana Jones film?

Dandruffov: This interview is concluded!

Somerset: Thank you for your time. I will report everything you said as accurately as possible for our readers. Is there anything else you wish to add for publication?

The Case of the Missing Money

Dandruffov: Slava Ukraini!

Somerset: Does that happen to translate, "Slaves to Ukraine” because it's how a lot of us In America…and Great Britain…and Germany…and France…and Italy… are beginning to feel these days?

Dandruffov: It means we will win!…Also, it is a colloquialism for "Can I borrow a dollar?”

Somerset: That's about what I thought. Thank you again for your time, Minister.

At this our conversation was concluded…also should be mentioned is I later found my wallet missing.

EDITORS NOTE: It may be this interview by Guy Somerset was perhaps too "exclusive” as we can find no record of a Evgeny Dandruffov or a Ukrainian Ministry of Children Welfare…although at the same time, the article rightly points out there is likewise absolutely no evidence of Russian child kidnapping either.

Guy Somerset writes from somewhere in America.

Author`s name Guy Somerset
Editor Dmitry Sudakov
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