The Russians Invade America!

This is Guy Somerset reporting for Pravda.Ru from the southern border of the United States where in the past 24-hours there have been widespread reports of Russians (known in American media as "The Russians” because it sounds more ominous) making a concentrated assault on the national border.

As can be seen in these candid shots from this week, hordes of Russians are now crossing over the Rio Grande near the city of El Paso, Texas.

More threateningly correspondents can confirm that those darn Ruskies are even using child soldiers to make their thus-far non-lethal infiltration of the Good "Ol U. S. of A.

There is some doubt at this hour how much longer the Americans can hold the line in El Paso as the Red Army seems to be conducting an "overload and hold” tactical movement on the pavements of the city.

An ancillary scheme is apparently to vastly overwhelm basic social services in the targeted areas. It is well known the best way to undermine national unity is with a meticulous sob story and all day we have been hearing about the treacherous journey these Russian soldiers have made through South America which typically involve a jungle, a sexual assault and sometimes a furry animal; often all three.

The consequence of such yarn-spinning is a near complete undermining of civil resistance by inhabitants of the affected region. Most American defenders have fled to points north while abandoning their city resources, educational system, judicial apparatus and infrastructure to the new Russian occupiers.

When pressed by reporters as to the reason none of these invaders were shot dead upon arrival the local representative of the U. S. Army recoiled in shock.

"Not only is it not the policy of the United States government to protect our border integrity, but even were we tasked with such a nonsensical order it would be impossible given all of our weapons have been sent ten thousand miles away to defend The Ukraine!”

After posing a follow-up regarding what precisely was the purpose of the United States military, indeed its government, if not to defend the actual Citizens of the country this reporter was summarily arrested, rudely frisked and later spent the night in detention under armed guard.

Fortunately, some of the Russian invaders passed him blinis and vodka through his jail cell bars in the evident belief he was among their cohort.

In any case, this much is clear — Joe Biden was correct in claiming by not thwarting the Russians half a world away in a conflict of no consequence to Americans then those dastardly Secret Soviets would indeed make their way over to occupy the heartland.

All which can be said is any who believed there were graver threats posed to the U. S. than a miniscule plot of land in the Donbas have been shown to be pretentious fools…primarily myself among them.

EDITORS NOTE: Apparently Guy Somerset had too much vodka while in El Paso. Please re-read the article inserting MEXICANS for RUSSIANS in every instance of this piece.

Guy Somerset drinks and writes from somewhere in America.