What is wrong with the use of pronouns in English today?

My seventh grade English teacher, Mrs. Pickett, who first taught me about the proper use of pronouns would roll over in her grave if she could read an article in the newspaper about Sam Brinton.

Many people may not know the name, but I bet most have heard about the non-binary, luggage thief, who worked as an Assistant Secretary for the United States Department of Energy in the Office of Nuclear Energy. Many of you will also recognize his picture. He was recently fired from the job.

If you haven’t seen him on the news, or heard about him, he is a bald white guy with a mustache, smudged red lipstick and wearing a red evening dress. You know, just a normal fellow.

If you have followed the news lately you may have also heard of his escapades. He is the person, who worked for the government in the Biden administration who is accused of stealing luggage from airport luggage carousels in Minnesota and Nevada. Both airports have video evidence of him stealing the luggage and both have issued arrest warrants.

Sorry!  I have been saying “his/him”. My mistake he is not a “he” anymore. I think he is a “they/them”. Or maybe he is an “it”? 

I’m really not sure what this “thing” is. I do know that he is an accused thief. Maybe he was abandoned from a UFO for stealing his buddy’s plasma ring or something. Maybe he is not a human at all but some kind of Woke transformer? Megafreak?  Who knows?

Writing this column in the old days would be easier. Back then we wrote about the basics. You know, the six basics of any story, who, what, when, why, where and how. Of course,  the “who” of the story was always a given. Either a he or a she? Maybe an it, if the story was really interesting and a bit kinky.

Never a they or a them. But now….

Mr. Brinton is “non-binary” or so he claims. Question is if he is a Mr., Mrs. or other? Comrade might work since I’m sure he is liberal.

I am really confused. But I am a child of the 60’s so I am open minded and respect his choice to identify as he wishes.

Anyway, I recently jumped on the liberal bandwagon and started identifying as the non-binary King of England. Just call me His Majesty or Him Majesty. Just to keep up with whatever the current wokeism deems appropriate to call non-binary royalty. Years ago, everyone thought I was crazy when I mentioned my plan to convert. But today I feel everyone will accept me. 

Just call me Him Majesty.

I know all the leftist who read this will call me a right-wing conservative nutjob, but really, I am just your everyday run of the mill non-binary King of England. Please don’t judge me. Just call me Him Majesty and we will all get along fine.

Although, I do have one demand as the non-binary King of England:

To the woke media, please use proper grammar when writing and editing news articles or columns about non-binary people. Do not write in Woke, non-binary grammar when describing these people. Tell the truth. They are either male or female. Use proper grammar in the articles. You know, he, she, him, her etc.

If you write about me, use he. Use proper grammar. Stop being woke journalist. Stop sucking up to the left. Do your job.

And please think of poor Mrs. Pickett. Please do not make her roll over in her grave again. The last time she rolled over was when I was ordained the non-binary King of England.