Author`s name David R. Hoffman

The conspiracy theory against conspiracy theorists

If people follow the media on a regular basis, they cannot help but learn about the plethora of conspiracy theories floating around in cyberspace.  

As defined by the Hoffman dictionary (me), conspiracy theories are inanities espoused without evidence, reason, logic, or foundation by people, often anonymously, who are usually devoid of any academic credentials, education, knowledge, or background to have the slightest clue what they’re talking about, and are obsequiously accepted by those who find reality too difficult a concept to grasp.

Usually, their commonality is railing against the sinister machinations of some big repressive government, and the purveyors of such theories find them an easy way to sell products and/or enhance votes, ratings, and profits, and/or to garner attention that is otherwise richly undeserved.

While these purveyors often realize they are causing great harm to their sycophants, they don’t care.  Their rationality is simple:

“All I’m doing is spouting the theory on my television show, webpage, or podcast.  It’s not my fault if people believe me.”

Naturally, since conspiracy theories, as stated above, are incessantly devoid of reason, I realize it is a fool’s errand to utilize it here.  Nevertheless, I will taste the forbidden fruit of common sense and move forward with these questions. 

One strategy of conspiracy theorists is to express absurdities and then tell “doubters” to prove them wrong.  Yet how many of them would wish to be on the receiving end of an accusation that others accept without proof?  In fact, the principal reason virtually all the “election fraud” lawsuits failed is because America’s legal system, unlike the court of public opinion, required that those alleging the fraud also had the burden of proving it.

Also, how many of these theorists would be willing to have a medical procedure, such as brain surgery, done by someone who is not a brain surgeon?  Yet people have been willing to ingest products, and forego potentially life saving medications, because some huckster with an eye on votes, and, most likely, a financial stake in whatever snake oil he/she is selling, tells them to do so.

In fact, in what is undoubtedly a bitter, but all too frequent, reality, what do many of those who contract COVID have to do?  Be admitted to the very medical facilities whose advice they didn’t trust.

So, as they say, if you can’t beat them, join them.  Thus, in that spirit, I believe I have discovered the ultimate government conspiracy theory:  The Conspiracy Theory Against Conspiracy Theorists.

It is brilliant in its simplicity.  Centuries ago, economist Thomas Malthus argued that the propensity of the human species to reproduce is greater than its ability to produce, thus events like wars, famines, earthquakes, and diseases are necessary evils to control population growth.

More recently, controversial physicist William Shockley argued that the principal problem with the human species is that stupid people reproduce at a greater rate than intelligent people, and instead of being contributors to society, they are a drain on it.

So what my theory does is merge these two ideas:  

What if COVID is simply a vast government conspiracy designed to reduce the population of stupid people by using their belief in conspiracy theories against them?

What better way to dispose of such people than to tell them to get vaccinated against a deadly virus, when the government knows that the more it encourages them to get this vaccine, the more they will refuse.  What better way to ensure they get COVID than to advise them to take precautions, such as wearing masks, against it.

After all, can it not be argued that the world would be a better place with fewer Trumpian cultists, white supremacists, anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers, and assorted right-wing nuts.  

In reality, it can be argued that conspiracy theorists are playing right into the government’s hands.  In fact, as much as I abhor the man, Donald Trump actually may have shown a modicum of a brain when he allegedly said, “We need our people,” knowing he was losing supporters to COVID, because being the “freest” person in the graveyard certainly limits one’s ability to vote.

Will my conspiracy theory gain a cult following?  Probably not.  But that’s what makes it so flawless.  This is the perfect theory since it thrives on people not believing it.

In closing, you may ask do I actually believe my theory.  Of course not.  But the beauty of being a proponent of lunacy is one does not have to believe it.  All that is required is a lack of conscience or concern about one’s fellow beings, and the willingness to destroy the lives of others for self-serving gain.

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