Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce myself to you (no pun intended). My name is Covid-19, otherwise known as SARS-CoV-2. I would just like to pen a few lines for you to see my side of the story.
Well, well, where shall we start? Let’s start at the beginning. I always intended to be the center of attention and was never OK with being just another of the many Coronaviruses. I wanted to be more, stand out, make a mark and thanks to your collective idiocy, I am managing to do just that. So thanks for providing me with enough material to laugh myself to sleep every night, you guys do it for free, so who needs to pay to see a show?
My fist stage of development was in the nostrils of this bat hanging in a mine shaft in China. These humans came along collecting samples from the different bats that they caught, they seemed to be Chinese but working in a virus development program or whatever in collaboration with the United States of America, some program that had been closed then re-opened, something connected with germ warfare research.
So they put us in test tubes and took us to this virus research laboratory in a place called Wuhan, near a livestock market. They found me particularly interesting because I had already infected a few of those who had gone to the mine shaft and they had infected others, this was way before they came clean and said that they had discovered something on December 31st 2019.
Then they decided to make a Superman out of me. See, normal puny viruses mutate quite slowly, like the Influenza Virus, made up of the viral proteins H and N (Haemagglutinin 1-18 and Neuraminidase 1-11). Like, this dude is sooooo predictable, all they have to do is once a year see the combinations of H and N and predict what it is going to do. In my case, they tweaked the proteins in my spike, making them prone to faster mutation every time I entered a cell and made a copy of myself. So I don’t mutate once a year, I mutate once every three months and I am getting better at it.
When they finally discovered what I was, I was already two strains ahead of them and when they spent billions on these doses of vaccine called Astra-Zeneca, Pfizer, Moderna and Johnsons, all of them based on my spike proteins, I couldn’t believe how stupid they were. Like, if I put my mind to it, I can screw the entire human race.
Well, I already did screw those who turned me into a Superman, they’re all six feet under. As in Oh deary me, what a pity, never mind. One less egg to fry, one less bell to ring, eh? Sniff. Now where was I? Ah right the vaccines. So make sure you get your two doses ladies and gentleman, they will give you a lot of protection against the....ah....how shall I put it, the previous versions of my good self. I am already working on the Rolls Royce of viruses, the Delta Plus model which I am quite sure will be a great competitor for my main rival, Nipah. Haven’t heard of that one yet have you?
Well don’t worry, you soon will. Nipah is similar to me, you know, same symptoms more or less and beats the crap out of me in terms of incubation, I mean the guy can lie low for 70 days and not 14, so imagine how many people he can infect? (laughter) and he has a mortality rate of 40 to 70 per cent, whereas I can manage at best just over one. But I can transmit myself far more easily and I’m getting better at it, whereas this Nipah dude is having trouble sustaining human-to-human transmissions. Loser!
So here I am mutating much faster than you would believe, and the symptoms I cause are so many that they are beginning to believe that I am not just a normal virus. Well told you so! What other virus apart from Ebola can slip past your immune system without it even waking up (true they did discover how Ebola did that and er...well never mind) and what other virus can cause cough, fever, sore throat, runny nose, and also vomiting and diarrhea, and also blood clots, heart attacks, inflammation of the heart muscle, strokes, liver disease, kidney failure, blackened nails, rotting teeth, decaying lungs, rotting feet and now my latest version causes gangrene! The new variants I am working on should hopefully see blood clots appearing all over the body, so people will suddenly start haemorrhaging from the eyes (chuckle), the ears, the skin....cool, cool!
And now what really cracks me us is that they are opening everything up again, going round and round in circles. In schools more and more testing is revealing more and more cases and with this euro soccer thing, wow, have you seen their decision to allow 60,000-odd people into stadiums, few wearing masks? They think I am asleep, or what? Wait two to three weeks and I’ll show you.
So look forward to your Summer folks. The vaccines you are getting are becoming obsolete and guess what? Ask them what their plan is for the vaccination program when the validity of these runs out and you know what they’ll say? “We haven’t got one”. Like Bwahahahahahahaha!
You guys will be going round in circles for decades to come, your economies will be ruined and Covid will be a household name for centuries. I just thank my lucky stars that you guys are barking up the wrong tree with your vaccine approach and that you are collectively incapable of sticking to policies which keep you safe.
You have distance working capabilities yet refuse to use them and insist on going back to work, back to school as if I didn’t exist. Even if you quarantined properly as they did hundreds of years ago, like everyone inside for three weeks after a logistical operation to distribute supplies, you would still screw it up by allowing international travel the following day, so I can conclude that you simply cannot co-exist with me. In plain English, you just do not have what it takes, do you?
So hey, see you around and if you haven’t met me yet, see ya later, alligator!
Author’s note: An interesting letter indeed but Mr. Covid has forgotten something. A natural virus does not kill its host, otherwise it also dies. It keeps its host alive for as long as possible so that it can reproduce itself or else, like ebola, makes itself transmissible by touching the skin, so even if one host dies, there are plenty of others already infected. But is Covid a natural virus and has it been genetically manipulated to go beyond its natural constraints?
Is that why it appears to study its host’s immune system and genetic weaknesses and then systematically destroy the body, targeting the weakest links?
The author can be contacted at email@example.com
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