Yeah, I realize times have been a bit hard on you these past few weeks, but times are hard for plenty of folks and you're somewhat responsible.
Now don't get uppity about it...you failed on the stimulus (as well as a few other items) and know in your heart it's true - except I have a way for you to still win this thing.
Of course, doing so will require something you don't have much experience in...giving a damn about anyone but yourself...yet it beats the alternative of being thrown in jail by AOC and The Chupa Naranja Squad.
So listen up Champ, because this is more or less your final shot at making it out of this situation.
Okay, since we all know you're not one for hitting the books I'll do your homework for you.
During a long stretch in human endeavors Medicine was a noble calling. Not now, as it's been corrupted by Corporate Disease Mongers, but previously it was something honorable men pursued with integrity.
Doubt me? Glad you did, as I was hoping to lay down some facts...and idols for you to look up towards - Paul Ehrlich and Jonas Salk.
The first discovered the cure for Syphilis when many told him he was idiotic for thinking one even existed. The second did much the same for Polio and intended to do similarly for AIDS (even though "reputable news sources" such as High School Weekly AKA Newsweek magazine ridiculed him for it).
More importantly, Ehrlich was already wealthy and did not seek to especially profit from his discovery while Salk did him even better and chose not to patent the product of his intensive labor.
"I am a firm believer you can do or be anything that you wish in this world...if you are prepared to make the sacrifices..."
Unfamiliar with the quote? That is Banting and it is how a man speaks.
Diabetes has been recognized as an illness since the time of Ancient Greeks. Even after a few thousand years prognosis for a Diabetic until quite recently was grim at best. The typical lifespan after diagnosis was all of one year - yes, a single year.
At age thirty-one Canadian Frederick Banting was lead-discoverer of a highly effective and inexpensive treatment in the form of Insulin...and won himself the Nobel Prize for doing so.
Like those men mentioned above, Banting viewed Medicine as a calling rather than a get-rich scheme to prey on weakness.
As a result, Banting sold the American patent on Insulin to the University of Toronto in 1923 for $1 - again, yes, one single dollar - while saying, "Insulin belongs to the world, not to me."
Unfortunately the University, being an educational establishment, needed a partner laboratory to mass produce Insulin and regrettably chose Eli Lilly Co. for the purpose.
Although Banting clearly intended that Insulin benefit the greatest amount of humans at the least possible price, Corporate America had other designs.
In the United States patents are generally supposed to expire after around 20 years on average. Simple calculation will determine the patent on Insulin in America is about 80 years past due to be expunged.
While the legal trickery and shyster mechanisms which enable this farce for keeping Banting's beneficent gift from the masses are too detailed to describe here, in very broad terms the three main Insulin manufacturers (Eli Lilly, Novo Nordisk, and Sanofi) each slightly tweak the formula every few years in order that it is technically a "new and novel" substance qualifying for a fresh patent.
Of course, these Evil Institutions also take the precaution of filing multitudes of lawsuits against anyone who impinges on their right to suck the lifeblood of ordinary citizens across the globe.
Speaking of the company Eli Lilly, did you know in 2008 they purchased from Monsanto (the other most reviled corporation in human history) rights for rBGH Cow Dairy Hormones for $300 million?
What was the reason you might ask? I'm very pleased you mentioned it.
For, you see, some researchers have theorized when cows are given this particular rBGH hormone...and children drink the milk produced by those cows...they may have a tendency to develop...can you guess the answer?...that's right!...Diabetes!
Oh, naturally, it is not a direct link - meaning not every single action has identical results.
There is no link between Eli Lilly allegedly poisoning children in order to make them life-long addicts of their Insulin treatment in a similar way there was no link between Viet Nam veterans getting doused by Agent Orange and developing serious illness...or how most of last century Tobacco manufacturers could scientifically claim there was no link between smoking packs of cigarettes and lung diseases in users.
Just a coincidence...nothing to see here, you Silly Citizens!
Former President Barack Obama is notorious for his chide to Americans who complained about his radical transformation of the culture, they personally had little to do with erecting the historic nation.
"You didn't build that!" he decried.
Whether Obama was accurate or not, Insulin is the Ultimate "You didn't build that!" in the sense...One, Americans didn't create it...Two, No one of any nationality was ever intended to monopolize it...Three, Even under the interpretation most favorable to Industry the treatment should have been in the public domain (i.e. out of patent and offered for nominal cost) several generations ago.
So basically, to make things absolutely clear, here is where we are on the issue:
Hey though, I get you're from a generation that generally thinks filthy lucre comes before all and you more or less don't give a squat about anyone you don't see in the mirror every morning.
Very well, here are a few additional factoids which may sway your viewpoint on the topic...
Still not figuring it out?
Since you are ever-so-fond of telling us what you will do by Executive Order you should use one today.
Immediately get on the air and do a Live Press Conference in which you state:
"While I have never had a family member suffer the scourge of Diabetes the facts in evidence were recently made clear to me about treatment in this country.
What is happening with American pharmaceutical companies is not fair, it is not moral, and it is not ethical - and it will no longer be permitted.
Beginning the day after I am declared winner of the current recount, in the first hour of my tenure, I will sign an Executive Order revoking all existing and future patent protections on Insulin.
Likewise, as of today there are immediate Presidential Price Control Measures in place to prevent the price of Insulin being raised. Availability will be strictly monitored and any price-gouging or hoarding will be dealt with by the full force of law and mandatory sentence of ten years in prison without parole.
Moreover, the Second Trump Administration will build a series of facilities for the manufacture of his life-saving treatment to first provide it to our citizenry and soon after to send all over the world at cost.
I realize many of you have been out of work for months and these new factories will offer hundreds if not thousands of jobs for an indefinite period, providing good wages and benefits.
To Pharmaceutical Companies, I say this is a capitalist and market economy but it is not a plutocratic or monopolistic society. No longer will you feed on the misery of my fellow Americans for your daily bread.
If you want to reap untold profits, create unrealized novel cures! Your new patents will be good for twenty years. This vintage treatment is far out of patentable duration and you have enjoyed this privilege granted at the largesse of government for far too long a time.
Ensuring a Second Trump Administration will also ensure immediate and permanent relief for tens of millions of Americans and their families - as well as warrant the dignity of all Mankind.
God Bless these United States."
It's just that simple, Orange Man.
You will not only enjoy overwhelming support, every recount location in the country will be mobbed by masses of erstwhile enemies demanding to change their votes in your favor. They might even make you king.
If it is any additional incentive, you will also go down in history as one of the greatest leaders of this nation and perhaps any other. You will have earned the Right to belong with Ehrlich, Salk and Banting.
The moment is now to grow into your greatness...
Since the likes of the traditional Inauguration Day in the national Capitol are likely never to be witnessed again, take this opportunity from one who has been there to relate some truth about the experience