Michael Moore and the Loony Liberals

I love surfing whacko liberal websites.  From them, I get a daily dose of good humor and ideas for future columns.
 
The most fun I get is surfing Michael Moore’s website.  I love reading the warped political commentary Mr. Moore posts on his site.  I am sure in his mind, his ideas make perfect sense, but to me his ideas are just liberal propaganda coming from another Loony Left Coast Liberal.
 
In fact, since his ideas are so far to the left, I have theorized that some day Hollywood liberals and other whackos around the world will crown Michael Moore “King of the Loony Liberals”.
 
So I was shocked, when I read Moore’s recent editorial  “It's Time to Stop Being Hit...a letter from Michael Moore”.   The editorial appears to be a call to arms to his legion of Loony Liberals around the country.  Their new mission:  to fight the traditional Democrat Party. 
 
It seems Moore has crowned himself King, almost proving my theory right.
 
Apparently, according to Moore, the traditional Democrat Party is out of touch with most Democrat voters today.  The party needs to move to the left and he proposes they do just that.   It’s strange, I thought moving the party to the left is what got Democrats in trouble in the first place. 
 
Mr. Moore, I’ll just call him King Michael from here out, wants to make changes to the current Democrat Party and bring it up to Loony Liberal standards.  After all, the Loony Liberals in Hollywood, with the help of Howard (The Screech) Dean and Moveon.org, raised more money than traditional Democrats during the 2004 presidential election.
 
In his editorial King Michael writes:
“What’s worse is to watch the pathetic sight of the DLC (the conservative, pro-corporate group of Democrats) apologizing for being Democrats and promising to “purge” the party of the likes of, well, all of US!...”.  He continues, “The days of trying to move the Democratic Party to the right are over."

I am still in shock after reading his words.  King Michael, the slim, dashingly handsome, well-dressed, brilliant intellectual genius and King of the Loony Liberals, is going to rescue the Democrat party by going to war against traditional Democrats.  In doing so, he wants to move the party FARTHER to the left.
 
I am not sure what type of mushrooms King Michael had been eating when he came up with his idea, but if anyone believes this can actually happen, then I guess they must also believe that Michael Moore is really a slim, dashingly handsome, well-dressed brilliant intellectual genius.  Say that three times real fast after a few beers.
 
After reading his editorial, my first thoughts were ways Democrats could stop this lunatic from ruining their party.  Just think what will happen to our current political system if we let the Loony Liberals have their way.  Roughly, 70 percent of middle of the road Democrats will abandon their sinking ship and switch parties.  
 
The Democrat Party would soon consist of a bunch of tree hugging, pony tailed, 60-year-old men who still live in their mothers basements.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention all the anarchist, abortionist, anti-gun, peace loving activist and other assorted whackos who would make up the remaining core of their party.  
 
Who in their right mind would ever vote for a group like that?  We will end up with a government that has only one major party, the Republican Party. 
 
Who does King Michael think he is, Captain Ahab chasing Moby Dick?  Does he hate George W. Bush so much that he would ruin his own party for fatheaded revenge?  Maybe he has a problem with self-esteem, he is slightly overweight after all.  Maybe his ball cap is just too tight.
 
How can Democrats stop King Michael?  My first thought was to throw him a box a Twinkies and hope he chokes on the creamy white filling.  Wait, too easy, he would wolf them down in a millisecond.
 
Maybe we should have the guys from “Queer Eye for a Straight Guy” give him a complete make over and pray he becomes a conservative.  No, we don't want someone so obnoxious becoming a Republican.
 
What can we do, think, think….
 
Wait a minute.  What am I saying?  Ronald Reagan would roll over in his grave if any conservative tried to help stop Moore.  Of course, we need King Michael running the Democrat Party.  What better way to put another conservative in the oval office in 2008?
 
Please forget my ideas about how to stop this from happening.  Please let Mr. Moore have his way.  I would actually love to see him running the Democrat party.  And being a good sport, I would like to volunteer my services to help the Moore and his Loony Liberal cause any way I can. 
 

Maybe I can hand out Twinkies at the next Michael Moore fundraiser.
 
Steve Darnell
 
Please send comments and complaints to [email protected].  Loony Liberals need not apply.