Russia and America, the quiet detente Part Two

Elena Petrova - the expert on online dating - and I go back and forth on some subjects and we usually end up two people, one conversation, and three opinions.  But there is something that both Elena and I are completely on the same page as – ergo, this article. 

Four and one half years ago, I met a Russian woman and we are still quite happily married.  I do have experience in what I am saying.  

The Internet has brought a world together that none of us knew anything about before, and the internet has brought a whole new meaning to the word ‘dating’.  And, personally, Russian women are drop dead beautiful.  Go look at a photograph of a Russian woman and then tell me that your blood pressure didn’t just go up 10 points. 

Russian girls have an air of an inner beauty also.  A beauty that isn’t jaded or speaks volumes of being ‘high maintenance’ or arrogance.  Their eyes speak of deep values that aren’t present here in America any more. 

There is still very much an old world charm in Russian women.  A genteel and peaceful charm. 

That is the great side of it all. 

But with the advent of the internet, along comes with it ABC News, NBC News, API and UPI.  More and more Russians are leaning to speak English, and they read our news.  

Pravda.ru has expanded their coverage, and now the girl, and her parents, can read our news in their own language. 

If you are going to find the girl who makes your heart pitter patter in Russia, you have to see things through her eyes first and foremost.  

News of our prison populations, violent crimes, and shootings cause concern.  Major concerns.  It did not help our cause any when the news broke that a man married a Russian girl, brought her here, and then killed her.   

It would not surprise me if there are Russian girls who think all American men are named ‘Ax Murder’. 

While you are writing and calling and sending cute poems to her, her family is wondering if they should sit Shiva.   

If there is anything that you have to over come, it is the growing perception of America and American men. 

With the revelations of child predators, sexual misdeeds committed by men, if the girl has kids, you’ve got two significant hurdles to jump over already.  

This means there is greater responsibility on your shoulders.  But the solution is so very, very, simple and will cost you nothing other than 10 minutes of your time and a few dollars.  

Men’s hearts are ruled by their glands.  We see an attractive girl, and the message goes straight to our instincts and our glands.  We make some of the dumbest mistakes. 

Women don’t look, they inspect.  

A woman’s passions are ruled by her head.  If she is comfortable, then her heart opens up all the other windows.  And, not before.   

Women have a ‘check list’ inside their mind and they go through it methodically.  Some of the things that are right on the top of that check list are trust, honesty, and responsibility.  Everything else is subordinate to those three words. 

To achieve your goals, you have to work on setting a foundation of trust, without it, you are not going to get far.   This woman lives 6,000 miles away from you, it’s not like she can have close personal observations.   

So how do you go about building this foundation of trust?  One of the most misunderstood concepts that we, as men, have, and being brought up in America, is that we have to wow & awe the girl.  We tell them of our toys, our cars, our ‘stuff’, etc., ad nausuem.   To a Russian woman, these are abstract concepts and mean nothing.  You start bragging about your ‘stuff’ and she is going to get the impression she follows second in line to your toys, your career, and your money.  And, what is worse, she is going to get the impression she couldn’t trust you with cash or a charge card. 

To give you an example, one guy wrote my sister in law, who is a Russian attorney, and this guy made some of the most macho comments a guy can make.  He included a picture of him and his sail boat; he included a picture of him eating at some place in Martha’s Vineyard.  Pictures of him wearing only high buck, name brand, clothes.  And he wrote nothing of substance.  Ann looked at it all, and gaffed it off.  

Some time later, the guy writes her again, this time with more pictures flaunting his spending habits, and brazenly says “I’m giving you a second chance”.  And again, nothing of substance. Ann responded to this one alright, and the guy found out never vex with a woman attorney who is irritated. 

If you are going to talk to a Russian woman, you need to speak to her directly about you, what makes you tick, your values. 

Next is honesty. Honesty is a hard word to define – in America, we like to boast that we’re next in line for the CEO job, our company completely relies on us only, etc., when we, in reality, might only be the mail room guy.  A Russian womanneeds to know the truth.  Giving her your home number, your address, your living situation, are all points in your favor – provable things.  When I first met my soon to be wife, I was working at a company and on their web site they had the company directory on it.  She did check, I can assure you.  

More and more Russians are moving to the US – the girl may have friends or contacts here, and she will use those resources to verify whether or not you are telling the truth.  There is nothing wrong with the girl wanting to know more. 

The last part of honesty is owning up to mistakes we have made.  This includes brushes with the law, not matter how small.  One of the biggest things you can do, in all seriousness, is to get a police record check on yourself and present it to the girl.   

Why is this important?  Look at it through the girl’s eyes, and the silent message you are sending her.   

Now, here’s a guy secret thing – flowers and candy really don’t cut it.  What does cut it, is doing something without being asked and something that you put effort into. Russian women go absolutely ga-ga over this.  

You want to leave an impression?  A Russian girl has no way of knowing how much effort there is in getting a PRC – but what you have just said to her is “You are important to me.  Your feelings and security are important to me. Your trust is important to me. So, I went and got this document for you.”  

What a better way to start off on the right foot with a Russian girl than to lay the foundation of trust up front.  

Picture if you will, the girl runs home and says to her parents “I’m talking with an American guy”.  They say “so, how many people he killed, how many times has he been in prison, Oh my god.  I never meant for you to die so early, I’m sending you to a convent in Siberia”.   

She jumps up and says “No, he is a good guy – here, he sent me a police record check.  Signed by American police officer even”.   

Parents will settle down and say “So, tell me more about this boy”.    

You have now deeply impressed the girl, and her parents.   

Her parents, who knew the old KGB ways, knew the lengths the KGB went through to check a person out – the girl’s parents will label you ahero because you went to some great lengths to prove you are not a crimer.  

If the girl has children, you just put to rest her first and major concern, and that is the welfare of her children. 

You owe it to the girl and to yourself to start the trust building if you want to be successful.  Simply put.  She has no way of looking into your eyes to see if you are telling her the truth – you need to provide a vessel she can use. 

I wonder how many guys started writing girls with good intentions and the girl got cold feet and backed out simply because she didn’t have anything to touch that would lend creditability to the guy’s story. 

Give the girl something to touch.   

Police have gotten used to the idea that we sometimes have to provide police records checks – to an employer, to our bank, etc.  If somebody walks in and says I need a PRC – it’s no big deal to the police and more than not, they appreciate you taking proactive steps to provide that comfort level if you are asked to.  You also put their mind at ease because they know they don’t have a criminal living in their community. 

There is another matter that you need to see through the girl’s eyes – AIDS is no laughing matter. We are talking some very serious stuff here.  Every 7 minutes, somebody dies from AIDS in this world.  Every 7 minutes, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  You know where I am going with this. 

Take a little proaction and go one more mile.  Now, you have hit the girl with two things without being asked to do and you put effort into getting it just for her. 

You start off this way, and she will spend sleepless nights thinking about you and as much you are thinking about her – and in the same context.  Guys, you know exactly what I am saying…. 

What the girl will, in all probably do, is go and get the same documents on her for you.  

Ok, so you’ve just taken two large, important, steps. 

You must always look at things through the Russian girl’s eyes.  You are courting her, via long distance.  You want this girl to be the one.  And, what are you asking her to do – you are asking her to leave her country and everything she has ever known. You are asking her to leave her family and her friends to be with you 6,000 miles away, and to be a stranger in a strange land.   

That is some very heady stuff when you think about it.  It is so much in your best interests that the girl knows you are going to be her rock, her anchor, and her safety net. 

One last thing you can do for yourself, and her, is to find a very cheap long distance telephone carrier. My first month of calling my soon to be wife – 4 phone calls, 10 minutes each, $350.00.   

You are going to want to call her, and if you use a normal long distance company you will have to go on the finance plan.  Russian girls know how much long distance regular rates are and she will protest you calling her – not because she doesn’t want to talk to you, but simply she doesn’t want you going into bankruptcy over her.   

Russians have had to learn to be very frugal. Russian salaries are not the best in the world.  Find a cheap long distance company – I found one that gave me a flat rate of 11 cents per minute to Moscow.   

My soon to be wife was impressed that I had found a cost containment and we could talk every Sunday.  This told her again that she was important to me, and I put effort forth to just being able to talk to her. 

Make the necessary efforts to start off on good footing. The rewards are well worth it.