RIO - Russophobic Incomplete Olympics: And the Golds...come marchin' in!

Despite the blanket ban on clean Russian athletes who have never taken any illegal substance in their lives, the medals keep on rolling in. Oh the Golds, come marchin' in, all those Golds keep marchin' in! I wanna be in that number, where the Golds keep marchin' in!

Allelujah! They tried to humiliate Russia by imposing an unfair blanket ban including on clean athletes who have never taken performance enhancers in their lives. The result? The remaining Russian athletes are going to bring back home nothing less than forty-one medals. 41 medals, 12 Gold, 14 Silver, 15 Bronze.

The Gold medal comes with the Women's Synchronized Swimming (Duets, Natalia Ishchenko/Svetlana Romashina); the Silvers, Women's Wrestling, Freestyle Valeriya Koblova Zholobova in the 58 kilogram category and Natalia Vorobeva in the 69 kilograms; the Bronze in the Men's Kayak Canoe Sprint, Single 1000 meters, for Roman Anoshkin; David Belyavskiy in Artistic Gymnastics, Men's Parallel Bars; Anastasiya Beliakova, in the Women's lightweight boxing (57-60 kilogram).

Russia now has 41 medals - 12 Gold, 14 Silver, 15 Bronze

Gold: Beslan Mudranov, Men's Judo, Under-60 kilogram; Yana Egorian, Women's fencing individual sabre; Khasan Khalmurzaev, Men's Judo Under 81 Kilogram; Inna Deriglazova, Women's Fencing, Individual foil; Men's Fencing, Foil team; Women's Fencing, Sabre team; Ekaterina Makarova, Elena Vesnina, Tennis, Women's doubles; Aliya Mustafina, Artistic Gymnastics, Women's Uneven Bars; Roman Vlasov Men's 75 kilogram Greco-Roman wrestling; Davit Chakvetadze in Men's Wrestling, Greco-Roman 85 kilogram; Evgeny Tishchenko, Men's Heavyweight Boxing 91 kilogram; Natalia Ishchenko/Svetlana Romashina,Women's Synchronized Swimming Duets.

Silver: Women's Artistic Gymnastics team (Daria Spiridonova, Seda Tutkhalian, Maria Paseka, Aliya Mustafina, Angelina Melnikova); Sofya Velikaya, Women's fencing individual sabre; Yuliya Efimova, Swimming, Women's 100 metres breaststroke; Women's Archery team (Tuiana Dashidorzhieva, Ksenia Perova, Inna Stepanova); Vitalina Batsarashkina, Women's  10 metres Air Pistol, Shooting; the Men's Artistic Gymnastics team (Ivan Stretovich, Nikita Nagorniy, Denis Abliazin, David Belyavskiy, Nikolai Kuksenkov); Olga Zabelinskaya, Road Cycling, Women's Individual Time Trial; Yulia Efimova, Swimming, Women's 200 metres breaststroke; Women's Team Sprint in Cycling (Anastasiya Voinova/Daria Shmeleva); Sergey Kamenskiy, Rifle, 50 meters 3 Positions Men; Maria Paseka, Artistic Gymnastics, Women's Vault; Denis Abliazin, in the Men's Artistic Gymnastics Vault; Valeriya Koblova Zholobova, Women's Wrestling, Freestyle 58 kilogram category; Natalia Vorobeva, Women's Wrestling, Freestyle 69 kilogram category.

Bronze: Safin Timur, Men's fencing individual foil; Vladimir Maslennikov, Shooting, Men's 10 metre air rifle, Natalia Kuziutina, Judo, Women's Under 52 Kg; Anton Chupkov, Swimming, Men's 200 meters breaststroke; Aliya Mustafina, Artistic Gymnastics, Women's Individual All-Round; Fencing, Women's Épée Team; Evgeny Rylov, Swimming, Men's 200 meters backstroke; Kirill Grigoryan, Men's 50 meters Rifle Prone; Stefaniya Elfutina, Sailing, RS:X Women; Denis Dmitriev, Cycling Track, Men's Sprint; Denis Abliazin, Men's Rings, Artistic Gymnastics; Sergey Semenov, Men's 130 kilogram Greco-Roman Wrestling; Roman Anoshkin, Men's Kayak Canoe Sprint, Single 1000 meters; David Belyavskiy, Artistic Gymnastics, Men's Parallel Bars; Anastasiya Beliakova, Women's lightweight boxing, 57-60 kilogram.

R I O - The Russophobic Incomplete Olympics, after the international sports authorities picked and chose which Russian athletes could compete at the Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, giving non-Russians a better chance of getting a medal in the modalities from which (clean) Russians were excluded.

Non-Russians can be found guilty of doping and compete at the Olympic Games while Russian athletes who have never taken any illegal substances are banned arbitrarily under a blanket ban excluding them from competing. This renders the medals won by athletes competing in modalities from which the Russians were excluded meaningless and those who win in these competitions will know that they were achieved in R I O - the Russophobic Incomplete Olympics.

Nevertheless, growing is the medals stash won by the remnants of Russia's Olympic team - those who were not arbitrarily excluded, in many cases without any justification whatsoever because they had never taken any illegal substance while of course western athletes who have had issues with doping can compete freely.

How did it come about? Probably in a conversation like this:

Hey! Suppose we ban Russia from the Games?

What? Why?

Well it's part of an all-inclusive plan against the Russian Federation, because they're getting too big for their boots and are starting to screw up our plans to invade Iran and get the Central Asian energy reserves.

OK then how do we do it?

Well there's this guy who has an ax to grind with the authorities and for a hundred thousand bucks he'll say what we want.

OK so what does the guy have to say?

Well he says that the security services dope the athletes and switch the samples.

What all of them?

No of course not, the percentage is the same as everywhere else, like hey man you know as well as I do that the thing is not the doping, the thing is not getting caught, but people don't know that and this guy will say what we want.

What then?

Well we get some as*hole to write a report - any Canadian will do - and then we say the Russians are all dope heads and we impose a blanket ban on them.

Yeah well some sports federations are not going to like that because they know it's bullsh*t.

OK then we ban the main athletes so they can't get any medals and we let the federations allow a token number into the Games. Then we plant people in the stadiums and pavilions to boo them when they appear.

OK let's do it...

Timothy Bancroft-Hinchey


Twitter: @TimothyBHinchey

One further question: Why is Kosovo competing as an independent federation and why aren't its athletes competing for the Republic of Serbia, of which Kosovo is a part?

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