Kings of America

Who will become the new American leader for the forthcoming 4 years?

The two main opponents are: George W. Bush of the Republican Party and the candidate from Democrats – Senator John Kerry. No matter who will win this presidential race, this high position will remain in ONE family. You may ask - How can this be possible? The answer is simple.
Thing is, Bush and Kerry are cousins. Both candidates' genealogy has been thoroughly and this is what has been discovered.

Mister Gary Boyd Roberts from the New World’s highly respectful "New England Historic Genealogical Society" dug deep into the past of the election campaign's opponents. Mr. Roberts ascertained that Bush and Kerry were cousins. Perhaps not very close, but relatives anyway. They are cousins in the ninth generation.  

Genealogy researcher is certain that their common grand-grand-grand-grand-father was some fellow by the name of Edmund Rhide, a nobleman from Wickford, English county of Essex.

After his death in 1623, his widow and two their daughters sailed to America. There thedaughters married men from two respectable American families Winthrop and Lake. Bush and Kerry are the remote progeny of these two marriages.

It is a known fact that Kerry is women's favorite. For some years he has also had an "affair with an itnern", just like Clinton. Her name wasn't Monika, though. For conservative and puritan US such relations are quite doubtful. Kerry fought in Vietnam, but after his comeback he became a furious pacifist and even hurled his medal to the foot of the Capitol. He struggled against war in Vietnam along with a legendary Hollywood actress Jane Fonda. There is a 30-year old b/w photo where Kerry can be hardly seen in the third row from the left. A small faded spot, behind the shoulder of the man standing in the next row behind the famous actress.

But the worst is still to come, in the years of his youth Mister Kerry smoked marijuana. He calmly confessed in that in a TV-program. Nevertheless, the republicans call Kerry a "hypocrite". Why? While being a Democrat to the very marrow of his bones, Kerry who is protesting against today’s “policy for the privileged", is himself married to Teresa Heinz - heiress of ketchup empire.      

George Bush-junior has had conflicts with law in his youth. In 1966 he was imprisoned for a short time after he and his friends stole a Christmas wreath. Ten years later, Bush was arrested for drunk driving. And the verdict was: 150 dollars fee and license suspension for a month. It's  not a secret to anybody that Bush Jr. has been an inveterate alcoholic up to the age of 40. And only his faith in God has helped him conquer this terrible addiction.

However, the main reproach to the keeper of the Oval Cabinet was made by the journalists. Despite all barriers set up by the White House officials controlled by papa Bush Sr., CBS informed of some interesting details of young Bush's "militant youth". Unlike Mr. Kerry who has voluntarily joined the US army and fought in the Vietnamese jungles, Bush has quietly sat in the rear.

Who knows maybe his martial zeal against hated Saddam comes from that? Maybe he just didn't play war enough? While Kerry was heroically fighting for "freedom” and recovering from the wounds, Bush was marching on the aerodrome and mastered the elements of aerobatics. But he was so far to being an ace that colleagues maltreated him for plain discrepancy to the flying standards.

So why is the high morale and all the heat of the sarcasm of this two distant relatives directed against each other? The answer is simple once again: they both have aristocratic
blood flowing in their veins.

Maternal branch of Kerry's family trace its roots back to one of the English dynasties, more specifically to king Jacob I Tudor (1603-1625). And the Bush family is not only one of the oldest in the USA, but may also be connected with the name of Mary Tudor, daughter of King Henry the VIII (1509-1547), she is better known as the "Bloody Mary".

 Paternal branch of John Kerry's family comes from Austro-Hungarian Empire. His ancestors' family name was Kohn. They were all Jews who adopted catholic faith which used to be the dominant one at the time. In the year 1904 the Kohn family moved to America and change its name to Kerry. And there are very few drops of Swiss and German blood in Bush's veins.

Igor Bucker

Translated by Dmitry Pavlov