George W.'s Call of Desperation

"Hello Ehud, its me..George ..yeah the President.. right.. of the United States heh.. heh. I wanted to give you a call on a new idea I've had simmering around in my brains, since we had our get-together last may.. you remember? heh.. heh.. and its something that I can't discuss with too many people, not even Condi and Dick, so I would be much obliged if you could keep this quiet for now .. No one's written anything for me on this, like the stuff that I read at my news conferences, so I'm gonna try to explain this as well as I can without any help from nobody."

"Ya.. Laura is fine.. and the children too.. growing up and staying out of the newspapers, as far as I know.. I don't read newspapers much you know.. very depressing."

"Ya Dick is ok. Though I have to tell you, we have a hard time figuring that out with him. He's been very depressed since the Pentagon asked his company to kick back some money. He says that he's lost a lot of prestige with his influential friends, and he also keeps getting some kind of recurring nightmare.. about being on an airplane going to the Hague. Poor guy I tried to make him feel better by promising that he will get full immunity from prosecution when I go, but he worries that I might not make it that far.. and you know what heh.. heh.. if the Democrats blow us out in November, he could be right.

"The reason for my call? You mean you have something more important maybe?"

"Well tell the generals to take a break and be patient.. they're probably going to like my idea anyway when they hear it.. though I would prefer that you tell them it's your idea heh..heh.."

"No you don't have to.. forget that I said that and I 'll get right to the point. Ehud, there's a lot of information leaking going on in Washington these days, and it's not all from me and my boys heh.. heh.. So maybe you already know.. that I might be a little bit less popular these days than I was at the end of the Iraq war.. you know.. when I landed on that aircraft carrier. I tell ya.. people really go for uniforms.. Yep.. Air Force uniforms and jackets will never get outta style."

"No I don't own one myself, don't have to.. Air Force is full of them, and I own them all heh.. heh.. Had a hard time finding the right one though, they don't all bend easily at the elbows. I don't like walking with my arms straight. Everybody else does, so this way people know it's me from a distance heh.. heh.

Now being less popular I can live with since I can only hang around another couple of years anyway. What I worry about is that with a mid-term election around the corner, the Democrats might take over my Congresh, and throw a monkey wrench into what I am trying to do here."

"What?… I beg your pardon.. I do know what I want to do.. funny guy.. but this is serious. Of course, you have nothing to worry about.. that's the only thing that Democrats and us have in common.. supporting Israel, but they don't like rich people and that's us. If they had their way they would take the money out of our pockets.. and give it to these people who pretend to be looking for work heh.. heh.. My guys tell me that the ideal society, is one where people who have made it big would run things.. and everybody else would do their jobs and stop messing things up.."

"Ya.. that's coming up in November, and unless we pull a rabbit out of a hat.. that's an expression.. you know .. like magic.. oh well.. some of my friends in Congresh and even in the Senate could be looking for another job."

"No, they're too old to join the army and we prefer kids anyway… fresh out of school maybe.. or even dropouts… This way.. heh.. heh.. if they get it we don't have whole families to worry about."

"Ya.. I'm getting to it. Just thought I should fill you in on some background stuff. The fact of the matter is, I need a little action to get people to like me again so that my friends in congresh can lean on me, and squeeze out another victory for what we stand for."

"No, we don't need Israel soldiers in Iraq .. although.. come to think of it heh.. heh… they probably would clean up my mess in short order, but some people might call it an eshcalation of some sort, still.. nice of you to mention it. What I need is a little diversion that people can't blame me for because, you know… people are blaming me for everything I do.. I need something to make my fellow Americans forget about Iraq for a while, and make them realize that I can't be blamed for everything that happens in the world, and that squirmishes like all those killings in Iraq also happen at other places.. where we are not.. and where we can't go anyway, because we can't spare any more soldiers right now."

"Yes, I know that your area has been fairly quiet now for a while..that's part of my problems.. and maybe a little action might do you some good too heh.. heh.. I need to have people be aware of the great dangers of terrorism you see… that's how I got elected two years ago, and with a little action maybe my guys can get elected again this time around.. and do what I want them to do for another couple of years. By then, Jeb will take over and I will help him from the sidelines.. and still be in charge heh.. heh.. after all if it weren't for him, I probably would have lost the first election."

"Right Ehud.. that's a good idea. I promise.. if we can cooperate on my little problem I will talk to him and so if he can find a good Jewish running mate, I'm sure that he'll go along with it.. Of course, he may have some concerns about the fact that my pal Al Gore had one.. remember? and some people think that could have been one the reason why he lost the election in the first place heh.. heh."

"No.. I don't think we can take what I have in mind to the U.N. Anyway they're too busy trying to feed all these people that can't hold on to their jobs to feed their families in the Sudan .. and other out of the way places.. and that's a good thing, because it's one less problem for us to think about. These people should go to Universities and learn how to make big bucks. That would solve the problem. They could even move to India or China where we know there are lots of good jobs. I know that for a fact.. honest.. Lou Dobbs keeps reminding me all the time heh.. heh ..."

"No Ehud… we don't expect you to give them jobs.. although if any country could do that it probably would be you. I don't understand how you manage to balance your exports and imports the way you do.. It's a trick right? An accounting trick. You'll have to teach that to us some day, but I didn't call to tell you how smart you guys are. I want you to do something about your terrorism problem, and I have a plan, and I need your help."

"I shouldn't have to remind you Ehud, that without us.. you guys would be history. We did some math the other day, and it looks like we've given you over $100 Billion in aid to save your.. ah.. hide during the last 50 years, and we also provided you with the best darn armaments aid can buy.. 200 to 300 of our top fighters: F-14s, 16s and 18s, helicopters that will kill all the people you don't like, Bombs, Rockets and…"

"Right, I agree, you are doing some of our dirty work.. and true.. you are testing all the new military stuff under real battle conditions.. but there's a problem there too heh.. heh. All that hardware is rusting right now since you're not using it fast enough recently, and our friends at Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Boeing, are worried that if it's too quiet your way, and things die down a little in Iraq and that other place.. Afghanistan .. they might end up with a big pension problem.. if they have to lay off and retire a whole bunch of workers."

"Ya, I know Ehud.. I shouldn't make that my problem, but Dick and Donald keep bringing it up and.. they're getting to be regular pains. Sometimes I wish that…Well lets get back to my problem. You know that these evil countries like Iran , North-Korea and Syria, not to mention Venezuela and Cuba , are enemies of ours.. and all have plans to hurt us badly if we give them a chance. That's a known fact.. my trusted advisers have told me so.. but most people don't realize that we too have on the table.. some pretty nifty plans ourselves for destroying them first.. like we did in Iraq heh.. heh.. heh. But they're not cooperating somehow, no matter what we do or say to provoke them. I think there is a conspiracy to ignore me.. and they are not giving me enough reasons to take them out, and that's where you should come in."

No Ehud.. I don't expect you to invade Syria .. that would be too obvious, but if you were to sashay into southern Lebanon .. to destroy your enemies the Heshbollah.. who are camped there and want to eventually destroy you.. the Syrians might make a mistake and come to their defense. Then we could have a real party.. something to tide me over till the November elections. Something to make it sound right when I say that Democrats are peaceniks that can't be trusted to defend us here heh.. heh.. heh."

"Yes Ehud..I know that many people might be killed…. and yes.. maybe even a few kids.. but I've been told many times that my decisions have indirectly killed a lot of children.. but you wont find me crying over spilt milk. Anyway.. here we call it collateral damage. It doesn't sound as bad.. even to me when I say it heh.. heh."

"No.. I don't have a real plan.. not really.. but maybe some of your soldiers could be sent there you know.. just to sniff around maybe.. and if something were to happen to them.. well.. that's a pretty good reason isn't it?"

"Anyway.. I know you'll do whatever is best for both of us."

"Thank you, and Laura is sending her best wishes to you and to your wife also.. and so do the kids.
Bye now.

The story is made up by Paul Forest
Burlington, Vermont

[email protected]

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Author`s name Dmitry Sudakov