Iran War Baedeker For Prevention Of Broadcaster Embarrassment

For any unfamiliar, Baedeker was THE standard for travel guides last century…and the century before.

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American aircraft wreckage in Iran

Those pocket-sized earthly thesauruses provided not only the sites you needed to see but also included commentary by historical figures who earlier passed your way.

My personal favorite is the Italian tome on its floating city which expounds of the particular locale circa 1890, "All cities must smell as they smell…but there really IS a limit”.

The tiny volumes packed a wallop for one to weather the vicissitudes of any journey.

In interest of aiding our Broadcaster (and Broadcaster-Tier compatriots) from making (ever further) insufferable fools of themselves, permit Yours Truly to signpost for Iran.

History of Iran — Not Quite What You Think

The American Pop Historian understanding of Iranian Culture is that: 1. They are Arabs, who have, 2. Always been Islamic.

Wrong on both counts, Kemosabe.

Iranians, as every expatriate will inform you, are Persians. (HINT: That's different than Arabs.) In regard to religion, Iranians as Westerners know them began with the Seleucid Era…the Hellenistic remnants of the Empire created by Alexander the Great…and which lasted over 200 years in the B. C. era.

While 300 B. C. to 100 B. C. was a little while ago, it set the foundation of Iranian Classical Culture, not to mention the Racial Realities of having Greek soldiers, merchants and opportunists breeding the region.

Next up where the Parthians, who ruled from around 250 B. C. until 225 A. D. Herein, we shall delve into the complex socio-economic effects of this…KIDDING! It's enough to know the timeframe involved a melding of already extant Macedonian Culture with developing Persian Identity.

After came Sasanian Rule from 225 A. D. until 650 A. D. (or thereabouts) which fully emphasized Persian Customs. We shall not review the myriad effects of this save to say the Sasanians were a major Power.

Thus, only THEN, around 650 A. D. did the Islamists enter the picture…and even THEN, it was not until approximately 1000 A. D. that religion was widely adopted by the populace.

Obviously, an entire library might be written as to all of this, but for the Layman you need to comprehend there was rich and multi-faceted Culture which was NOT in any way Islamic that existed for a MILLENIUM prior to Muhammadism.

Even today exists a Cultural, although largely nonviolent, schism between those Iranians who are dedicated Islamists and those who view Islam as being merely an addendum to Persian Identity.

Basically put — Iranians were not always (or even now) wild-eyed lunatics devoid of Civilization…despite what Mr. Fox and Ms. Now may tell you over tea.

Iran — Geography Is An Expanse of Western Ignorance

Of the most common refrains from "pundits” and "consultants” is Iran is "two times the size of Texas”. That distinction might be useful, pardoning the reality most Westerners don't know how big is Texas.

(Nor the United States, for that matter…you can drive across France in half a day…so many Euros seriously consider it reasonable to take a road trip from New York to Chicago in a few hours…*sigh*…)

Here's a far better manner of putting it (with slight exaggeration): on a map of the United States, draw a line straight down from Ohio to Louisiana and gander at everything East- THAT is Iran (basically one-third of America).

Or, put differently, take a map of Europe, draw a line on the far Eastern side of Germany and go straight down to the right side of Italy and gaze at everything West — THAT is Iran (essentially all of Western Europe itself).

Except…for those considering invasion (as all Broadcasters seem intent upon doing) it becomes worse.

Iran is LITERALLY over half mountains. Something like 53% is classified mountainous. Ever see a photo of the folks in Iran? I mean the ordinary people? They're all wearing sweaters. Ever ask yourself why? JOKING! The Broadcasters NEVER ask "why” about anything since they already "know” everything.

Welp, Sportsfans, it's because the mountains are chilly. Obviously, that is not EVERYWHERE in Iran (you will recall that 53 from 100 leaves 47% not mountain terrain). Yet if you are going to "invade” a place you better consider where exactly it is you'll be hiking while getting shot at every few minutes.

Iran — The Topography of Fanciful Occupation

By the way, that brings us to Topography. Walking a mile in the mountains is about 30% harder than walking a mile at Sea Level when you're lugging a full pack around the place. So any force seeking to occupy Iran is going to get a real workout — anything trained for in the fort is one-third harder in Tehran.

Given the U. S. (as well as Europe) consistently reduced the standards by which Military are judged ready for combat over several decades, we can expect some very exhausted overweight soyboys and soysallies getting done out. (Yes, Broadcasters, Green Berets exist…and they only account for 0.04% of Military.)

Then we have the whole "Insurgents know their own homes” theory of warfare. Iranian Defenders would be hiding (and counter-attacking) from craggy outcroppings that will appear identical to Outsiders but which Persian Hillbillies might distinguish without a second thought.

On the point of Iranian Islands…geez, do you Broadcasters ever quit with your nonsense? Alright…to save you wetting yourself at a cocktail party, allow me to introduce you to facts the "Televised Intellectuals” rarely bother to mention.

Iran — Islands in Broadcaster Dreams

Kharg Island is an oil terminus in the Persian Gulf. Many likely already know this, as the paid-for mouthpieces of conflict mention it ceaselessly. Only allow me to inquire…Where, precisely, is it located in the Persian Gulf? The correct answer — about 400 miles NORTH of the Strait of Hormuz.

(ASIDE: It is NOT the "straight” nor the "straits” — plural — of Hormuz. The word strait refers to the waterway, and that is singular. Incidentally, by all means, do question how a "pundit” is an "expert” when so many routinely are incapable of properly describing the basic geographic terms…*double sigh*)

Back to Kharg — as mentioned, it is a terminus. While oil is obviously stored there, it is NOT the national repository of Iranian oil. If you "take” Kharg Island you have NOT forestalled the entirety of export. In addition, Iranians not being morons, would merely turn off the spicket and redirect elsewhere.

Another thing generally unmentioned? Between 10,000 and 20,000 people live on Kharg Island. Ergo, IT'S BIG. No doubt, many have been evacuated, but certainly not all. Are American Military prepared for a 2,000-man insurgency on this single beachhead alone?

And recall, that's even if you can get there. It's not going to be a Pleasure Cruise sailing Northward. Ships will be under sustained missile and drone fusillade…for 400 miles on boats going 35 miles an hour…

Iran — Reckless Is as Reckless Does

Okay, Somerset, what about Qeshm Island? That's just on the inside (North and West) of the Strait of Hormuz…so we've got'em there, right? Wrong. Despite being undeniably an easier invasion target you again encounter the fact these are not deserted South Pacific Iles a la James Michener way back in 1944.

Qeshm is a holiday destination for Iranians. There are nearly 150,000 people living on the rock. Also, it's a rather large boulder of almost 600 Square Miles. Likewise, no exaggeration on the paper-scissors aspect — just have a look at snapshots; that place is a flat stone rather than dreamy Caribbean oasis.

In any of these locations you have the usual Logistical concerns: Even if you invade the hills and hollers of Mount Iran…how do you resupply? With pack mules? You can't helicopter in everything…nor easily helicopter out the wounded. Even if you manage to survive your Sitting Duck Status of merrily rolling up the Persian Gulf, there is a far likelier probability of your Military getting cut off than a flotilla managing the same journey. Even should you take Qeshm how do you feed the tens of thousands of Occupiers in an inhospitable environment built for leisure rather than sustenance? These are the Practical Realities.

Any jaunt by Western Military in Iran is a tad more complicated than, "By Gummit, Let's Finish The Job!”.

Iran — Cold Water for Hot Heads

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, is the sheer idiocy of the "specialists” who consistently get it wrong.

Taking some time off being "Most Evil” I will not publicly identify these buffoons…but since they are uniform in their incorrectness you may assume nearly anyone other than Your Humle is thus included.

"What are you even talking about, Somerset!?!” one hears…Merely this — The Strait of Hormuz is not (as in no, non, nyet) "International Waters” as every uneducated "analyst” tries to AKSHULLY you.

Despite the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea (UNCLOS) of 1982 stating "transit passage” to be deemed accessible to all…*dun*, *dum*, *duhhh*…Iran never ratified the document.

What does this mean? Iranians are pure evil? (Not so fast, kiddoes…the United States also did not ratify.)

So Iran can blow up ships on sight? Er, not precisely. Iran considers they owe "innocent passage” rather than "universal passage”…meaning…(see where this is going?)…they may charge a transit fee! *GASP*

Generally speaking, territorial waters of any nation extend 12 Nautical Miles from nearest land. The Strait of Hormuz, at narrowest between Iran and Oman, is but 24 Nautical Miles wide…*RUH ROH*

Thus, for those poor at Maths…it indicates the whole damn thing is shared (not quite evenly but we needn't plunge) between those sovereign nations which get to charge crypto all live long day…*ZOINKS*

Iran — Bathing in Backwaters

Now, there will (tiresomely) be vociferous objection from the rear that other Treaties are extant, which is true. Except the most recent Treaty redefining specific terms is obviously that which rules.

Example: You make a contract for a farm…but then revise the contract several times…then redraft it beyond those agreements…nobody would assert you are entitled to negate multiple intervening resolutions because the more recent terms no longer work out in your favor. So…lump it, Chumley.

In all candor, given the surfeit of various Conventions you can advance proposals against the Iranian and Omani perspectives…save those very incongruencies tend to support the adversarial contention.

Example Duo: You make a contract with someone to buy "the” farm…only you each misunderstand precisely what farm is subject of that transaction…which itself voids any transfer by fundamental error.

Whether Iran is somewhere one loves or loathes, you either have to accept The Law as a basis for international agreements or you premise Military Force as the foundation of those arrangements.

Since most of the nonsense America is engaged is primarily justified by "Our Sacred Obligations!”, "The Rules Based Order!”, and "Holy International Law!”…then you need to accept Iran gets to take a cut, Pal.

Guide To The Middle East — Iran, Surprisingly NOT Iraq

It took the United States and its lackeys over 8 years and 450,000 Military to fail in pacifying Iraq.

Even today, there are ungoverned areas in Iraq which, as you maybe heard, are supporting Iran by popping off missiles and drones.

Remember, to similarly fail in Iran would require at least 24 years and 1.5 Million Military.

The Good Lord only knows how many troops it would take to actually succeed there.

So the next time some "expert”, "pundit”, or "non-profiteer” lectures you about how Iranians are crazy Muslims without any Culture, or on American readiness, and variety of ways our Military can "Just take their oil by occupying that island!” please use this guidebook to remind them they are a f****** idiot.

If you fail to educate them, at minimum inform such personage as font of unadulterated Broadcaster ignorance, the Insufferable Speaker must be first to physically lead us all on this mad Grand Tour of Duty.

Guy Somerset writes from somewhere in America