The daughter often inherits her mother’s destiny.
Professor, Doctor of Medicine, member of New York and London associations of psychotherapists and psychotherapist of Moscow clinic “Dyuralight” Valentina Moskalenko explains why this happens and how the woman can avoid this situation.
"Doctor, I have difficulties in maintaining the relationships with my daughter”, Many women coming to our clinic for the psychological assistance say this. When I start asking the patient about her mother, she gets surprised. In fact, the mother’s ideas planted in us in our childhood cause many of our problems related to relationships with the husband and children, unsuccessful career, woman’s loneliness.
A victim gives birth to another victim. Grandmother, mother, daughter and granddaughter constitute one genealogical chain transferring the essence of a woman. For centuries this meant abstinence, obligingness, patience, enduring physical and emotional pain – valuable traits of character.
However, if these traits make the woman a victim, life plays the trick on different generations. If the mother consider the woman to be the man’s property, she will plant this idea in her daughter. If the mother was the wife of the drunkard, the daughter will have drunkard as her husband with the probability of 60 percent. If the father beat the mother, the daughter can be beaten by her husband as well. A victim gives birth to another victim because mothers are perfect teachers. They teach being a woman, wife, mother. A kitchen is mother’s classroom. Everything the mother thinks about herself is perceived by her daughter in the kitchen. Speaking in scientific terms, self-identification is transferred from the mother to her daughter.
Family scenario. In the kitchen family scenarios are written for the daughter. The scenarios are composed out of the mother’s expectations related to her daughter. They can be of different kinds: “be like myself” or “be absolutely different from myself”. The expectations of the both kinds are heavy burden for the daughter.
The drawback of the mother’s instruction “be like myself" is missed opportunities for her daughter to build her own life differently from the lives the women in her family. This message bears the idea that the daughter is unable to have more achievements in her life than her mother did and therefore should not even make efforts.
The position “be absolutely different from myself and achieve the thing I could not achieve in my life” is dangerous as well. The daughter lives under constant pressure of “being the best” and preparing for the career of a ballet dancer, a scholar, an actress or a singer. Her development is sacrificed for her mother’s secret ambition to satisfy her own spiritual wishes.
Both the positions are necessary for the mother and bad for her daughter. They result from the lack of dignity in the mother and the vagueness of her self-perception of her own personality. Not having the clear idea of her own personality she easily intrudes in the personality of other people, her daughter in the first place. In this way she breaks one of the main laws of family life – respecting the spiritual sovereignty of personality means understanding that the mother and the daughter are close, but different people. Not all that is good for the mother fits her daughter.
The mother can often make statements of another kind. “My daughter is a good girl” or “My daughter is a stone on my neck”. Such statements will influence the relationships of the daughter with other people, especially with men. “Good” girl will chose a husband caring for her and cherishing her, he will prevent her from being an adult person and dominate over her. She will always be a little girl for him. This “little girl” will be terrified by the idea she can ever disobey her husband. "Bad girl" will chose a man humiliating her for any reason and in this way continue lowering her low self-esteem created by her mother. At a first sight, the two girls will have different lives, but in fact their destiny will be the same. They will depend too much on other people’s opinions and will ignore their own opinions. They will be boring persons not deserving respect of others.
Write a composition. If you want to have harmony in the relationships with your daughter, analyze your destiny you inherited from your mother. Remember: having life according to your family’s scenario is like writing a dictation at school. You can write it perfectly, with no mistakes, but there is no room for creativity in it. Therefore try to write a composition, that is start a new life contrary to the messages your mother sends you. If you succeed, your destiny will be changed. You will have to work hard on this.
Starting point. Ask yourself if you want to have destiny different from your mother’s. If yes, tell yourself firmly, “I intend to do this”. In this way you will set new instruction for yourself. From that moment, the idea of contradicting your mother’s instructions will be encouraged.
However, there are things one should avoid. There is no use of accusing your mother and telling her that she is wrong. Of being silent in submission, taking offence and keeping emotional distance. Of looking for replacement to your mother in your friend, lover or psychotherapist. This all will bring only a temporary relief. Also, leaving your parents’ home to soothe your emotions makes no sense. Neither distance no time can finish your conflict with your parents.
Therefore stick the way of behavior which is useful for you. Give you mother the right to think and feel different than you do. Set the purpose to maintain not only your self-esteem, but also good relationships with your mother – ask her about her past life, current events in her life, share your personal problems and be the first to start communicating with your mother after having a quarrel with her. But be firm and calm in not letting influence you on important matters causing arguments between you. Say "I respect your feelings, but… ", "I am sorry for contradicting you, but”… Also try to understand the hidden ideas of your mother’s statements. All bad things your mother says about you resulted from your mother’s bad attitude to herself. For instance, if she blames you for making mistake she herself is afraid of making mistakes in her life.
Summing it all up, you will need patience and persistence to meet your goals. If you are unable to write composition “My new destiny” by yourself, go to the psychologist. There are special sets of methods which allow reveal the problems in the family relationships and eliminate them. For instance, in our clinic we use both programs of urgent psychological assistance and long term programs for development of one’s personality. We work both with parents and their children. Come to our clinic, and we together will solve your problems.
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