If there is one belief uniting Americans in this first half of the Twenty-First Century, it's that Rachel Zegler is an insufferable…brunt…of everyone's jokes.
She's annoying, she's a hypocrite, she's a money-losing machine…but has nice breasts…at least for a few more years.
That being said, the fact remains however nice her mammaries may be, it appears they are not quite worth the $100 million Diversity Disney has budgeted for the upcoming "remake” of Snow White.
CEO of Disney Bob Iger has just reviewed test screenings so disastrous they would make Quota Queen Zegler blanche almost to a shade appropriate for the role.
What to do?
Before your "ol pal Somerset signs over a LITERAL $100 million plan to save this zeppelin hovering above Lakehurst we're going to do a little whistle while we work down memory lane. Don't worry, it'll be quick…because these are only the major Disney disasters THIS YEAR alone.
The Black Little Mermaid — The Chinese account for nearly half of receipts on blockbusters. The Chinese don't like Blacks. If you put a Black as a main character, Chinese won't see it. Notably, your humble Entertainment Correspondent is not King Of The Tea Drinkers…but neither is Bob Iger.
Whatever your high hopes, Bob, you ain't changing the Chinese preference for Anyone But Blacks in films. You can try…and lose another billion in the process, or you can accept this fact and move on.
By the way, Mr. Iger, please read Feeding The Dragon regarding the Chinese-Hollywood nexus. Or hire someone to read it. Or skim the Table of Contents. And why is it for me to tell you this hint?
Budget for The Black Little Mermaid was $250 million. With advertising that's $390 million, It's gross worldwide was $180 million. You lost over $200 million, bud.
Okay, you can whine to me about the allegedly "racist” Chinese…but unless you're weeping gold bricks you need to shut up and reorder your expectations before you reconstitute an ancient culture.
Ant-Man and The Wasp — *sigh* Coming from a guy who read ALL these comics (I had over 1000 as a child) I can say non-confidentially no one…and I mean NO ONE…wanted to be Ant-Man on the playground. It went something like Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America, Anyone from The Fantastic Four (much more popular at that time), Iron Man (much less popular back then), and Hulk.
Hey Bob, who was NOT on that list? Some down-grade character who was a nebbish in the source material.
Nobody wants to be Ant-Man, Bob. Nobody.
Yet, somehow, Disney spent…What…the…Fuuuuu (Editor Dmitry: Whoa, I'm gonna need a source, Somerset…*replies*…Da, you Americans are totally insane…) *AHEM*…Disney spent $200 MILLION…on a character nobody likes, nobody needs, and nobody wants to be…
With advertising? That's $300 million…for a gross of $470 million…which, actually seems not so bad…
EXCEPT, due to "Hollywood Accounting” the Break-Even on this stinker was $600 million. (Yeah, I don't understand that either…)
So, it's another loss of $130 million.
Indiana Jones and The Smug Millennial Slut Who Keeps Getting Work Somehow — In yet another film absolutely no one needed or asked for other than Harrison Ford's agent, we got Girl Boss Glamour.
Am I going to get into all the things wrong with this mess? No, I'm not. Because then someone might inadvertently be enticed to watch this steaming dogpile on streaming and I refuse to have my soul damned to all eternity because I accidently caused someone to view it.
Cut to the terrible CGI horse chase…the budget was $400 million, with Break-Even $600 million and a grand total gross of…under $400 million.
Meaning, congratulations Bob!, you lost another $200 million.
Recapping the Knee-Capping
On only THREE FILMS and only THIS YEAR our friends at Disney have lost a combined $450 million…at least…which, again, is around HALF A BILLION DOLLARS.
Okay, everyone at the Mouse House is a complete and total Muck-Up. This much is clear. What about going forward?
Ohhhhh, glad you asked!
For those not "in the know” here is a very brief run-down of the run-up to one of the greatest catastrophes in modern cinematic history…the unparalleled nonsense which is…Woke White 2024.
It is a "re-imagining” (because Disney would prefer to waste $500 million on three bad films than pay one good writer $5 million for a profitable story) of the ancient Germanic tale of Snow White….and naturally they cast a dusky Colombian-Polish girl who stands five-foot-two for the role.
Because…Disney.
Anyway, we're going to get right into the Quota Queen herself, Rachel Zegler, because I hate her. That may seem a strong sentiment, except at this juncture literally they take back your American Passport if you don't have at least a smidgen of hate in your heart for this insufferable beast.
Rachel Zegler…Big Breasts, Bigger Mouth
So The Zeg was hired by Stephen Spielberg from nobody-ness into stardom for his completely unnecessary re-make of West Side Story which he FALSLEY claimed to be more genuine even though the lead actress was not, in fact, Puerto Rican and the whole premise was "Authenticity”. *AHEM*
Zegapotamus made a big to-do about being "Latin” despite being Half-White and barely speaking Spanish.
Surprising no one with any sense (i.e. writers from New York as opposed to those in Los Angeles) West Side Story was…another loser. Budget $100 million, a $300 Break-Even, and gross of around $70 million…total loss? $230 million…authentic enough for ya, Bob?
Shazam
Zeggy next sunk her fangs into Shazam and the…what…the shto…ever…AGAIN!?! Shazam was barely a ghost on the playground…like, Shazam was the comic you got if you lived in The Projects and your mother couldn't afford the full twenty cents to pay for an authentic Superman comic…SERIOUSLY!
That being said…we can't put all the blame on Zegamouth for the losses here…yet lose Shazam did…and badly. Budget $125 million, a Break-Even of $300 million and a gross of $133 million.
Another loss. This time of about $170 million.
Annnnnd…it's a swing and miss for The Zeg, folks! She'll be back for the Third Inning!
Snow Woke
The Colombo-Polish Princess of your Nightmares is now set to appear in Snow Woke 2024. She's been doing the interview rounds the past month chastising everyone complaining that "The Fairest of Them All” is now a deep mauve pygmy.
Because, Authenticity matters when the Zeglet needs a job and Diversity matters when the Zeggist also needs a job. It's a win-win for those actresses without morals, ethics or any sense in their heads.
Also, Zeg hates love. Seriously. This rapidly calcifying Zegroll says all a girl REALLY needs in this world is an Excell Spreadsheet and a sex-trip to Thailand to be happy.
True Love? Not for the Girl Boss!
Ask anyone WITH money and they'll frequently tell you they'd give it all up for True Love as evidenced by every legend, tale, story, biography, tragedy and drama in history…but Zegdog knows better…than backwards losers like…SHAKESPEARE…
Because…nice, brown, breasts…evidently. (Give them five years, cutie…see how popular your Spreadsheets make you then without True Love to keep you warm at night…)
Now comes the reality-check for Iger…you got the Big Room job, Bob…but can you keep it?
At this rate? No way, buckaroo. Disney stock is tanking. Disney Plus subscriptions are cratering. Disney as a trademark is bruised…badly. Think not? When the son of the original animator is trashing your company — WHICH IS SUPPOSEDLY A LEGACY BRAND — you are nothing but burned popcorn.
Here's what insiders are telling your pal Somerset…
Except, apparently Disney and, to a lesser extent, Nobody Dinklage hate the height-oppressed. So much so that they have taken the jobs of these unique folk. You think I kid, but sadly not. Because Dinklage complained about dwarves and Disney is shivered a-timbered over outrage, they cancelled the dwarves in Snow White…that's like Barnum and Bailey without the elephants…AKA bankruptcy!
Now we get "magical creatures” which frankly sounds far more offensive to this correspondent than dwarves. I mean, I see my pal and say, "How's it going, dwarf?” and he'll shoot back "Not so bad, beanpole!” Everybody laughs. Yet if I tell him, "Sup, magical creature?”…he's gonna be livid.
Anyhoo….dwarves out, magical yahoos in…and they sing…but not the dwarf song…also racist…or something…so somehow they now do the tune "Hi-Ho” as what is invariably described as a "mix between hip-hop and a folk song” which, once again, sounds waaaaay more racist to me.
Add in third-rate CGI as stated on the Preview Comments and reputed poor acting by Gal Gadot (whom I like and who has been unfailingly gracious when having to appear with Zeg) and you've got a bona fide dumpster fire.
Budget (so far) is minimum $100 million…with a Break-Even minimum of $200 million…and…WHEW!
LISTEN UP BOB — HOW TO FIX THIS BOMB — BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Here we go….LISTEN! Take notes if you have to…also, please donate to the Tip Jar below which I absolutely deserve for giving you this $100 million plan for basically nothing.
(HINT: I want five figures, buddy!)
The way Somerset The Fixer sees things you've got basically three ways to go:
1. Reshoots…EXTENSIVE Reshoots…Reshoots aplenty — Since you've got most of this in the can, that's going to be beaucoup expensive. Moreover, the publicity damage has long ago been done.
Meanwhile, unless you find some way to muzzle The Zeg…which seems unlikely…the bad press is going to become progressively worse press…even if this tramp got hit by a bus it wouldn't help.
2. Shelve It — Recently Disney has shelved at least two projects already completed; The Spiderwick Chronicles and Nautilus. They took down Willow from Plus after six months (six months too late).
At the same time, that's ANOTHER $100 million down the drain…with Disney stock nearing all-time lows. So this would not seem to be a particularly palatable option for executives.
3. FLIP THE SCRIPT — Here you go, Bob…get that Tip Jar donation button handy…YOU OWE ME!
Snow Woke is not going to work as a straight project.
But…what if…you sold it as a farce? No, for reals, Bob. Hear me out.
Take whatever you've got done with Snow Woke and get it ready for release. Don't cut any of the "magical creature” nonsense, don't re-edit the B-movie CGI, don't mess with the songs (especially the one where The Zeg sings how "she don't need no man” and "true love means nothing”).
Keep all the garbage in the trash can.
THEN…do a Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the thing. Find those guys, and hire them. Have them hit the major cities with this stinker. MAKE IT A CULTURAL EVENT!
Show The People, also known as THE AUDIENCE, also known as The Saps With Money To Spend…that you get the joke! That's right, admit to The American Masses YOU F'D THINGS UP.
Americans love to get outraged about matters. You know what they love MORE? When someone who outraged them ADMITS THEY F'D THINGS UP!
DO THAT.
And it doesn't have to be the Mystery Science Theater guys. Ring up Ryan Reynolds. Everybody likes Ryan Reynolds. HE GETS IT. You ever heard him make fun of himself about the whole Green Lantern thing? Yeah, he was first to call himself out…and then he landed Deadpool and it was AUTHENTIC.
Or…get Parker and Stone from South Park to run commentary AKA Mystery Science 3000-style and release the film that way. Ohhh, you better believe there is a South Park episode coming down the road about this fiasco…why not get ahead of the curve and have THOSE GUYS do commentary on the actual film itself?
And run it in theaters that way. Make it an experience. The Great American Pop Cultural Joke of 2024.
Face it, Bob. This is an intervention. No matter how good (or bad) your intentions, Snow White as Quota Queen was never going to work, It's a loser. A big, fat, Zeggy loser.
But…Snow Woke 2024?….Come to the theater, Throw popcorn at the screen, Laugh at the sheer craziness…With wise-cracks from Parker and Stone, Ryan Reynolds and even Gal Gadot herself!
I'd pay to see that and I'm betting several million other people would too.