Greetings to my Fellow Travelers, Putin Bots, Russian Trolls and otherwise Outcasts of Modernity!
Having passed these many weeks in Palm Beach were the MAGA is as high as the humidity it is my pleasure to once again become that prickly pear in the side of every well-heeled Defense Contractor Shill among us.
During this time away laying on the beach it appears the Ukrainian Spring-Summer-Autumn-Counter-Offensive has gone Counter-Clockwise as our friends battling on behalf of Commander Cosplay have “re-taken” somewhere between No Square Meters and Zero Square Meters of Russian Territory.
(For which, truly, we who are poor at Maths are grateful as one need not have much expertise to know $100 Billion of U.S. Taxpayer Funds spent for a gain of 0 Meters yields…a laughingstock Uncle Sam.)
Be that as it may, back here in the Land of the Freeloading Ukrainians and Home of the Slaves to Kievan Beggers there is constant (no, really, unremitting) reassurance Crimea will be retaken any day now…probably tomorrow…or the evening afterward…if we just send all our Stealth Bombers and whatever few pennies we have left in our pockets…for reals…you, guiz…trust the plan…come on…
Aside from this are signs and augers which hint at doubt echoing in recessed corridors of the Pentagon and Vauxhall Cross. (Lamentably, no longer smoke-filled…because the war on aesthetics is the real fight.)
Notably…appeals for service! Only not for Americans or Brits to join the ranks. Instead, the ordinary Russian is appealed to come across the lines for the sake of…well…let’s just have a look…shall we?
Your Dauntless Correspondent – fresh from the Isle of Old Money and Recent Facelifts - is now at liberty to inform his diligent readers (who, no doubt, have been breathlessly awaiting my return…) that a confidential Recruitment Memorandum originating with these two Western Espionage Agencies was discreetly leaked to my document cache…
Verily, I present to you…The Flyer.
Russians! – The CIA and MI-6 Want YOU!
Greetings Comrade,
Are you a Russian? Opposed to the War? Consider yourself a True Patriot?
Then call the CIA! (Or, Mi-6, because they’re trustworthy too, and cool like James Bond…the version before he got Woke and replaced by that Black woman…even if Special Minorities are Better than Everyone at Everything…Always...)
Anyway…
Do you often walk the streets of Moscow and think, “This city is too safe! What we need are more undocumented immigrants to steal public resources and commit crimes of a violent nature!”
Then call the CIA!
Have you ever passed the Dom Knigi in St. Petersburg and mused, “What a bore! How much more exciting if marauding Algerians were tossing burning books from the windows like the library they burned in France recently!”
Then call the CIA!
When you dropped your child to school in Perm this morning did you pause, “How pathetic! All these teachers ever do is instruct the little ones in Science and History of our nation! What tiny Boris needs is an instructor to encourage him to wear a dress or for sweet Olga to be told she is trapped in the wrong body so a physician can give her drugs at age 5 and chop off her private parts at age 10!”
Then call the CIA!
Are there times in your life when you feel insignificant and reflect, “Russia is a territory of many nations who all reasonably co-exist for the greater good. Such a snooze! Much better to have all of us at the throat of each another, whining publicly every single day, complaining about wrongs from hundreds of years ago, so that every group hates every other group leading to social arguments, unrest and misery!”
Then call the CIA!
In instances of restlessness or insomnia, do you sometimes go outside for a walk without fear of being randomly assaulted or murdered and consider, “This park is too peaceful! What we need in Russia are entire No-Go Zones or, better yet, even whole Cities where it is unsafe to travel because the fanatically, animalistically, inhumanly savage residents who live there are allowed to freely commit mayhem!”
Then call the CIA!
Yes, Comrade, it’s really all that simple.
If you want to live in a nation with totally undefended borders where any rapist, child trafficker or gang member can waltz into your country, then merely call the CIA.
If you seek to have your territory flooded with unassimilable and undesirable malcontents from across the globe whose only purpose is to ruin the place you once called home, then contact the CIA.
If you prefer to exist in a society where it is not only normal but encouraged to allow pre-pubescent children to make life-altering decisions without understanding the ramifications, do come to the CIA.
If you intend to unravel the societal fabric of your state until it is a threadbare collection of disparate strings with no cohesive design, having factions all slandering and maligning one another, get to the CIA.
If you hope to witness your home go from a cohesive, peaceful, industrious Motherland to a Bastardized version of itself where there are “Hate Laws” and “Hate Speech” and “Hate Rights” which allow for some to literally get away with Murder while others go to prison for Speaking, reach to the CIA.
Da, Comrade, you are precipitously near to the dream of your very own Rules Based Order.
The CIA and MI-6 can help by throwing a few tokens your way…Say, around 30 pieces of silver?
Before you know it Russia can be as healthy as an AIDS patient, as law-abiding as a Race Riot, as sane as a Child-Nipple-Chopping Physician, as conversational as a Fight Club, and as placid as a French Banlieue or American Ghetto.
The Brave New World of a Western Russian Democracy is only one call away.
What have you got to lose?
Ring us up any time, Comrade.
The CIA never sleeps.