The bizarro world of Eric Holder

By David Hoffman

One of the greatest ironies in American government during the past few decades has been that many of the individuals who have held the position of Attorney General of the United States-the top law enforcement position in the country-have also been the most lawless, amoral, hypocritical reprobates in American history.

During the Nixon years there was John Mitchell.  Chosen because he allegedly personified Nixon's "law-and-order" philosophy, Mitchell went to prison after being convicted of conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and perjury due to his involvement in the Watergate scandal.

During the Reagan years there was Edwin Meese III.  While serving as chief-of-staff when Reagan was governor of California, Meese opined that James Rector, an innocent bystander shot and killed by police during a May 15, 1969 protest in Berkeley, California, had "deserved to die."  As attorney-general, Meese endeavored to portray himself as the personification of "morality," conducting an anti-pornography crusade that resulted in the prosecution and shuttering of numerous "mom-and-pop" video stores, yet he was ultimately forced to resign in disgrace after being accused of using his influence to help Wedtech Corporation gain millions in government contracts.

During the Clinton years there was Janet Reno, who presided over both the Ruby Ridge and Branch Davidian fiascos that resulted in the deaths of scores of Americans, including women and children.

During the nightmare years of George W. Bush, there was the autocratic John Ashcroft, who abused federal material witness statutes to lock up scores of innocent people based upon nothing more than their religion.  Then came his even more autocratic successor, Alberto Gonzales, who developed selective amnesia at least seventy-one times when testifying to Congress about the reasons behind his dismissal of several U.S. Attorneys.  This resulted in Congressional demands for his resignation, which he submitted on August 26, 2007.

Fortunately this has all changed.  Today America has Eric Holder, the Attorney General appointed by that progressive, Nobel Peace Prize winning president and paradigm of "hope" and "change":  Barack Obama.

I'll admit, in several previous Pravda.Ru articles, I have been extremely critical of Holder, and America's so-called "legal" system. 

But my opinion has changed, because I was fortunate enough to sit in on one of Holder's briefings to his staff about the mission, goals, and purpose of the United States Department of Justice (DOJ).  I have transcribed his words below and from this point on, until I state otherwise, I am quoting this briefing.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.  Today I am here to discuss some of our accomplishments and achievements.  On the agenda are several categories, including the war on drugs, the war on terror, and our response to government and corporate criminality.

First of all, I am proud to say that, despite pressure from Congress, the Justice Department stands firm in its opposition to granting a pardon to Jack Johnson.

For those of you unfamiliar with this case, Johnson was America's first African-American heavyweight boxing champion.  Unwilling to play the subservient role demanded of African-Americans during his era, Johnson dated several white women.  By contorting the Mann Act, our noble and color-blind justice system indicted Johnson for transporting one of his white girlfriends across state lines for 'immoral' purposes, even though this incident occurred before the Mann Act was even enacted into law.

As our DOJ memo, authored by Ronald Rodgers, states, presidential clemency is 'best dedicated to requests submitted by persons who could truly benefit from the grant of the request.'

So forget about the posthumous pardons granted to comedian Lenny Bruce in New York or to singer Jim Morrison in Florida.  It is our position that if people die with a wrongful conviction on their record, that conviction must tarnish them for all eternity.  Besides, you all know the president is terrified to deal with any issues involving race; therefore he's worried about how conservative white commentators will react if America's first African-American president pardons America's first African-American heavyweight boxing champ.

On an unrelated note, I would like to thank all of you for assisting me with my refusal to prosecute Wall Street criminals responsible for the recent economic collapse in the United States.  After all, we all know that some entities are 'just too big to prosecute.'  And, at the end of the day, what is really worse, granting a pardon to a wrongfully convicted African-American man, who fearlessly stood up for his rights, or ignoring the crimes of those who destroyed our national economy and threw thousands, perhaps millions, of Americans out of their jobs, homes, and businesses in the name of corporate profit?

Next we will discuss our progress on the war on drugs.  Although it happened before my tenure, I want to remind you all about the successful zealotry of former U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan, who spent millions of tax dollars to imprison comedian Tommy Chong for selling drug paraphernalia.  This sent a strong message about our nation's determination to fight the war on drugs.

On a related note, I am happy to report that we are not going to prosecute any of the bank officials responsible for laundering millions of dollars in drug money for the Mexican drug cartels.  I'm certain that the moderate monetary fines we've issued to financial institutions holding billions of dollars in assets will ensure such laundering does not happen again.

Now to the war on terror.  As you know, former CIA agent John Kiriakou was recently sent to prison for exposing the CIA's use of torture; Bradley Manning is on trial for allegedly revealing government lies, crimes, and atrocities to Wikileaks; and I am currently in the process of preparing criminal charges against Edward Snowden for leaking documents about the NSA's and FBI's spying on millions of innocent Americans.

There are many people who are calling these men heroes, or saying that the most they are guilty of is using 'bad judgment.'  Well, ladies and gentlemen, bad judgment has never been a recognized defense in the American legal system, and we're not about to let it become one now.

Also, as you may be aware, one of our former colleagues, Patrick Fitzgerald, successfully gained a conviction against former Chicago police detective Jon Burge for lying about the torture of criminal suspects during his watch.

Our colleagues also successfully secured convictions against five New Orleans police officers who had participated in or covered-up the killing of two unarmed civilians, and the wounding of four others, at the Danziger Bridge during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

The message, ladies and gentlemen, is simple.  If you are a government official engaging in torture, murder, or other abuses of power the DOJ will come down on you hard and fast.

On an unrelated note, I am proud to say that president Obama successfully strong-armed our European allies, so they will not be filing any charges against John Yoo, author of the 'torture memos,' or any of the signatories of these memos, like Jay Bybee.  Also, thanks to our colleague David Margolis's determination that Yoo and Bybee had simply used 'bad judgment' when creating or endorsing these memos, I am pleased to announce that Yoo now teaches law at the University of California (UC) at Berkeley, and Bybee serves as a federal judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

I would also like to congratulate UC Berkeley for refusing to succumb to public pressure to fire Yoo.  After all, he is a tenured professor and should be respected as such, even though he showed nothing but contempt for the very subject he is teaching.

In addition, my hearty congratulations to the University of Colorado and Colorado's legal system for its successful firing of tenured professor Ward Churchill, who authored a controversial essay about the 9/11 attacks. 

Let this diametrical treatment of Yoo and Churchill serve as a reminder to all Americans that the Constitution and Bill of Rights were designed to protect and provide immunity to those who commit crimes on behalf of the government, and are unavailable to those who expose government criminality or who exercise any of the rights listed therein to express dissatisfaction with their government.

And the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, where Bybee now sits, should also be congratulated for disingenuously destroying Jose Padilla's lawsuit against Yoo. 

As you may recall, Padilla, an American citizen, was tortured with techniques outlined in Yoo's memos, including 'sleep deprivation,' 'exposure to extreme temperatures,' and interrogations conducted under 'threat of torture or death.' 

As we've done with all Bush-era criminals, the DOJ spared no expense to defend Yoo, and when judges Raymond C. Fisher, N. Randy Smith, and Rebecca R. Pallmeyer ruled against Padilla by feigning ignorance over what constitutes torture, it was a legal machination even Roland Freisler could appreciate. 

It is reassuring to know that, thanks to the efforts of the DOJ and the federal courts, the United States government can now torture its own citizens at will, and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it.  Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

I regret to say that we did have one setback:  The European Court of Human Rights recently concluded that the treatment of Khaled El-Masri-a German citizen who was mistakenly abducted, sodomized, shackled, and subjected to total sensory deprivation by CIA agents-was 'torture beyond a reasonable doubt.' 

But don't be discouraged.  Our CIA torturers are well insulated from both criminal prosecution and civil liability for their atrocities, because all we have to do-as we did when defending Masri's torturers-is holler 'national security' and our federal judges and corrupt Supreme Court will automatically dismiss the case.

I cannot stress this enough, my colleagues.  Whenever you are defending perpetrators of governmental abuses don't waste your time engaged in lengthy legal research or erudite legal arguments.  Just scream 'national security' and you will be guaranteed a victory.

It is in keeping with this theme that Idecided not to prosecute the two CIA agents who tortured detainees to death in Afghanistan and Iraq.  I also want to, once again, extend my heartfelt appreciation to former CIA official Jose Rodriguez, who defied a court order and destroyed dozens of videotapes depicting the CIA's use of torture.  At least he isn't one of those un-Americans who exposed and/or condemned our government's abuses and criminality.

And you will be pleased to know that the DOJ is working diligently to whitewash the FBI's recent shooting of an unarmed suspect who was being interviewed in regards to the Boston Marathon bombing.

Now you will have to excuse me, because I am scheduled to give a speech at a local law school about how nobody is above the law in the United States, how the Bill of Rights protects the American people from government excesses and abuses, and how the DOJ and the Obama administration have been vigilant defenders of human rights and fair and impartial seekers of truth and justice."

Holder's briefing ended here.  And, as you are undoubtedly aware, this article is satire.  But even though it's satire, the events and hypocrisies depicted herein are completely real, so it doesn't take much of an imagination to realize how low America has sunk in just a few short years.  But, given the amorality and depravity of the federal judges, the Supreme Court "justices," and the federal law enforcement officials now holding reins of power, it is even more frightening to imagine how much lower America is capable of sinking.

There is no doubt there are people in the world who seek to do America harm.  But the time has come to ask whether these people are simply being used by America's government as an excuse to destroy the United States Constitution, particularly the Bill of Rights and the civil rights and liberties this document was created to protect.

Sadly, there may be no way of stopping it.  Every time evidence of government-sponsored spying, torture, or murder emerges, the official response is the same:  "These tactics helped to thwart several terrorist attacks."  Yet, when pressed for details about these alleged attacks, the instigators of this spying, torture, and murder always hide behind the facade of "national security." 

Yet, if greater restrictions against these abuses were put into place, be assured that a "terrorist" attack would mysteriously and conveniently follow, enabling government officials to blame these restrictions for impeding their ability to "prevent" this attack and to dupe a frightened populace into obsequiously sacrificing their freedoms while the very people sworn to uphold the Constitution continue to destroy it.

David R. Hoffman

Legal Editor of Pravda.Ru