The Inspiring Story of Spinn Dreck
The following story could be true. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Nobody knew when Spinn Dreck was born that he would eventually become a man amongst men.
Like many Americans, Spinn Dreck was influenced by events that occurred during the civil rights movement of the 1960s. As a child, his little heart pulsated with excitement when he read about George Lincoln Rockwell and his followers driving a “hate bus” through the American South, and his adrenaline flowed when he watched members of Eugene “Bull” Conner’s police force use vicious dogs and high pressure fire hoses to attack peaceful civil rights marchers in Birmingham, Alabama.
But disillusionment soon set in for little Spinn because the civil rights movement, despite the violent opposition it incessantly faced, began making significant political gains. And even though many of those gains would eventually be destroyed by the four white racists and one self loathing African-American—Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, Samuel Alito, Chief “Justice” John Roberts and Clarence Thomas—now comprising a majority on the United States Supreme Court, little Spinn came to realize that the exploitation of racism had to become more subtle.
Little Spinn also realized that he needed a way to disseminate this new brand of racism to the widest possible audience. Yet that seemed impossible at the time. Most radio stations played music, and the few television stations in existence during his childhood only reported on the news for one or two hours during each broadcast day. In addition, most television and radio journalists were ethical and qualified, attributes that little Spinn abhorred.
So his prospects appeared dim.
But as Spinn Dreck grew up, radio stations began to shed their musical roots, opting instead to spew right-wing hatred twenty-four hours a day, and cable television soon introduced viewers to hundreds of different networks, including many so-called “news” channels.
For several years one of these news channels, SeeNN, enjoyed little or no competition, and thus was able to retain much of the integrity of its airwave ancestors. This ended, however, when a media mogul named Rudeturd Purecrock decided to launch the Faux News Network, creating a competition that would eventually prove to be a blessing for Dreck, and a curse for America.
One day an executive from SeeNN called Dreck and said, “Simply reporting the news is causing us to lose the ratings war, so we are looking for somebody to espouse more hatred and disseminate more propaganda than Faux does. We’ve already hired Nasty Disgrace, a former prosecutor, to host a program, and want to know if you would be willing to come on board as well?”
Dreck was elated. Finally his dreams were coming true. And it wasn’t long before he became a huge player in the cable “news” industry, which caused Rudeturd Purecrock to take notice.
Soon Dreck was invited to Purecrock’s office. “Spinn,” he said, “We want you to become part of the Faux News Network. But first I must ask you if you understand the ethics of the journalistic profession—things like honesty, objectivity, factual accuracy and the reporting of the truth?”
“I do,” Dreck replied.
“Well if you want to work for Faux, you’d better forget all about them. You see Spinn, our motto is ‘We deceive, you believe.’ To honor that motto we employ only the best pseudo-journalists, like Shrill O’Lielly and Spawn Inanity. I call them propagandists in media positions, or PIMPS for short.
All the PIMPS here at Faux News graduated with high honors from the Josef Goebbels School of Pseudo-Journalism, and we’re proud to say that more racists, neo-fascists and pseudo-christians watch Faux than any other news network. But we need to expand our audience. And that’s where you come in. I understand you have a strategy where you can create a milieu of hatred, fear and divisiveness yet, at the same time, convince people they are being patriotic, religious or politically conservative. Do you mind sharing your secret with me?”
“Not at all,” Dreck replied. “I exploit ignorance. You see Mr. Purecrock, I have discovered that ignorant people are usually intelligent enough to understand, and even critique, complex political and social issues or, at the very least, are capable of finding the resources available to study such issues. But many of them are apathetic and thus allow demagogues and opportunists to tell them what to believe, while others are closed-minded and unwilling to read, watch or hear anything that clashes with their own prejudices.
Take Mush Limpbaugh for example. Do you really think that any person sincerely devoted to truth would give any credence to the self-serving rants of this mendacious, hypocritical, drug-addled, draft-dodging reprobate? Yet every day millions of angry white men obsequiously accept Limpbaugh’s words as gospel.
